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September 29, 2023 · 8:34 am

Blacktip Island’s New Floating Cars Will Offset Flood Risks

A Blacktip Island entrepreneur has announced plans to manufacture amphibious automobiles, modeled loosely on World War II-era amphibious DUKW boats, to fight climate-change induced flooding. (photo courtesy of Sue Nami)

A Blacktip Island inventor announced plans Wednesday to begin manufacturing buoyant cars in an effort to combat damage caused by climate change-induced flooding.

“Every time you turn on the news you see cars getting washed away in massive floods,” Sue Nami said. “With all these climate changes, disastrous flash floods are becoming the norm. But with a Float-O-Bil, you won’t have to worry about losing your vehicle. When flood waters rise, so will your ride.

“They’ll also be equipped with sensors that’ll inflate a tube around the car, so it won’t get damaged bashing into anything,” Nami said. “When water hits the center of the axle—POOF—an airbag deploys around the car. An anchor’ll be standard, too, so motorists don’t have to be worried about washing away completely. We can’t stop floods, but we can out-maneuver them.”

Residents say the cars will be beneficial, even without flash floods.

“We get a good, heavy rain for a few days, the roads flood,” Lefty Wright said. “That causes all kind of problems ‘cause folks can’t get to and from work. Just last week, when the pond overflowed from normal rain, Dermott Bottoms hit a tarpon driving in to work. With one of these new cars, that wouldn’t have happened, and Dermott would’ve been spared an awkward conversation with his insurance agent.”

Local climate researchers lauded the Float-O-Bil.

“As floods become more common, vehicles like this’ll become standard,” Tiperon University-Blacktip climate sciences professor Goby Graysby said. “We’ll be seeing these all over the world. It’ll drive auto insurance rates down, too. Sure, they’ll cost more up front, but they’ll pay for themselves over time.”

Environmental activists, however, were skeptical.

“This is a Pollyana-esque idea that’s in no way practical,” Coral Reef Aquatic Protectors president Harry Pickett said. “It’ll take years just to build the factory, then more years to produce the cars—which are dubious, at best. Why not take all that energy and money and put it into flood prevention? And stop building in flood-prone zones.”

Nami brushed aside those concerns.

“Harry’s stuck in the past,” she said. “We have to focus on the future, and the future is all about amphibious vehicles. It’s not as far-fetched as Harry makes it sound—there’s still amphibious Duck boats from World War II in service. And constructing the factory and building cars’ll create a ton of new jobs on the island. There’s no down side to this.

“We also have plans to develop up-market models with means of propulsion,” Nami said. “Top-of-the-market will have a small propeller that’ll deploy off the transmission. Lower-priced models with come with either oars or paddles, whichever the customer prefers. And if the Float-O-Bil is a success, we’ll look into building floating houses.”

Blacktip Island Handyman Builds Weather Modification Machine

The heart of Blacktip Island inventor Antonio Fletcher’s Rainmaker-3000 weather modification engine, unveiled this week, designed to attract rain to the small Caribbean island. (photo courtesy of Isiwal)

A Blacktip Island jack-of-all-trades this week created a device he claims can change regional weather patterns to bring more rain to the island.

“Blacktip’s a small land mass, y’know. Don’t attract many rain clouds,” Antonio Fletcher said. “Now, with cisterns and water tanks running dry, we need rain more that ever. Me, I got tired of seeing them clouds passing us by, or raining out on the sea. So I built me a giant heater to raise temps over the island and pull moisture in from the air.

“The Rainmaker-3000’ll let us turn on the rain like we’re turning on a faucet,” Fletcher said. “We can fill our cisterns anytime we want, then turn it off and go back to a nice sunny day. I’m surprised nobody thought of it before.”

Some in the community questioned whether the device would work.

“‘Tonio’s sharp and all, and I don’t doubt his handiwork, but I’ll need to see this gizmo actually work before I believe it,” Lucille Ray said. “We’ve built bonfires before to try to build heat and attract rain, but it didn’t do a thing. Neither did catapulting salt and silver iodide into the sky. I want to believe, but I need proof.”

Others questioned the morality of using the device.

“My concern is how his machine will impact climate on a larger scale,” Tiperon University-Blacktip ethic professor Fanny Bottoms said. “There’s a limited amount of moisture in the atmosphere. If we attract rain here, will someone somewhere else go without? Would full cisterns on Blacktip mean a drought on Tiperon?

“And what if people on other islands start using devices like this,” Bottoms said. “It could start a Caribbean rain war. Potentially, we’d have a situation where rain clouds are zig-zagging from island to island, and dumping most of their rain in the sea.”

Island business leaders opposed Fletcher’s invention.

“Only way to create enough heat to form clouds is to pave over the island,” Blacktip Island Chamber of Commerce president Whitey Bottoms said. “We been saying that for years. And trying to get it done. The Granola-crunchers keep blocking us in court, though. This what’s-it of ‘Tonio’s is an obstacle to progress, plain and simple, if folks get caught up in the hype.”

Fletcher was unaffected by the criticism.

“Rain wars are just what we need,” he said. “Tiperon hogs all the rain right now. Time for them to feel the shoe on the other foot. And if anybody slaps together a competing Rainmaker, we’ll build a better one. Ain’t afraid to take on anybody head-to-head.

“Working on a anti-Rainmaker, too, to turn loose on anybody who messes with us,” Fletcher said. “Gonna see if it’ll work at killing hurricanes, too, which I reckon it will.”