Sunday, November 6, 2022
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Take a rain jacket
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Candidate Shakeup Upends Blacktip Island Mayor’s Race
Blacktip Island’s League of Women Voters has been busy this week drumming up voters for Saturday’s contentious mayoral election. (photo courtesy of Leigh Shore)
Following accusations of intimidation by one mayoral candidate, Blacktip Island’s already hotly-contested mayor’s race saw the three other candidates drop out this week and throw their support behind an unlooked-for dark-horse challenger to incumbent Jack Cobia.
“Jack’s a nasty one to cross,” former candidate Rocky Shore said. “Him talking about the fire department being useless and the police being understaffed aren’t policy points. They’re threats. He’s had folks burned out and beat up before. I’m not gonna stand in those crosshairs.”
Other former candidates echoed that sentiment.
“Jack sitting at the bar with his drunk buddies saying how ‘it’d be a shame if something happened’ to me, that’s purposeful and dangerous,” Christina Mojarra. “It’s the definition of stochastic terrorism. Jack’s responsible for any harm that comes to any of us.”
Cobia refuted the claims.
“I’ve never threatened so much as a fly,” he said. “These are just thin-skinned crybabies who can’t handle politics and the little digs that go along with it. Rocky or Christina get hurt, it’s because folks don’t like them sticking their noses into other folks’ business.”
After discussions with island residents, the former candidates put forward Dermott Bottoms as the person most likely to beat the heavily-favored Cobia.
“We took a straw poll, and Dermott’s name kept popping up,” former candidate Sally Port said. “People like him, and if Jack tries to get rough, Dermott’s big enough, and ornery enough to whip Jack’s butt without half trying.”
Bottoms welcomed the challenge.
“Jack comes after me, I’ll wallop him good,” he said. “Been in office too long, y’know. Too old for it now. Don’t have the people’s interest at heart. Roads are bad. Booby pond stinks. Rafe Marquette writes too many drink-driving tickets. I get elected, all that changes. Then I’m gonna sit at the bar all day and drink beer. More useful than whatever it is Jack does.”
Cobia brushed aside that criticism.
“I’m not too old, but Dermott’s too crazy,” he said. “He’s got no clue what the mayor actually does. There’s lots of things to preside over and whatnot. Big responsibility, keeping this little rock full of crazies from killing each other. A vote for Dermott’s a vote for chaos. And I don’t think he realizes the job doesn’t draw a salary. Or a beer allowance.”
Blacktip Island’s mayoral election will be this Saturday at the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House. The island’s lone police constable will be on hand to prevent any campaign-related violence, electioneering or drinking.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 30, 2022
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Not today, Satan
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Blacktip Island Players To Stage ‘Gilgamesh’ Underwater Operetta
Alison Diesel, front left, and Jessie Catahoula, front right, and other cast members walk through the ‘Smiting of Humbaba’ scene from the Blacktip Island Community Players’ during an on-land rehearsal for the new underwater operetta, ‘Gilgamesh.” (photo courtesy of Kadumago)
The Blacktip Island Community Players this week announced they will take their audiences back to Second Millennium BCE Sumer with their 2022 fall production, an underwater operetta based on the ancient Sumerian creation myth the ‘Epic of Gilgamesh.’
“We try to stretch ourselves with our fall plays,” BICC creative director Doris Blenny said. “Last year’s underwater ‘Pirates of Penzance,’ with actors in full-face masks and live-streamed to all the bars, was a rousing success, so we decided to do the same thing with ‘Gilgamesh.’ We had to create our own scores and librettos, of course, but that just enhanced the growth opportunity.
“It’s the oldest recorded story in the world, and it has so much in common, in terms of theme and sensibility, with life on Blacktip today’,” Blenny said. “We had input from The Blacktip Island Literary Society as well as local cryptoarcheologists. Coral heads will serve as the city of Uruk, and sea plumes will be Inanna’s huluppu tree. The effect will be otherworldly.”
Actors were excited about the new material.
“Gilgamesh’s really the world’s first buddy film,” Alison Diesel said. “Him and wild-man Enkidu basically travel the world, taking names and kicking ass. They save the goddess’ tree, whack Humbaba the giant, then smite the Bull of Heaven.
“With Inanna being the goddess of love and war, well, it’s something everybody can relate to,” Diesel said. “And to make it even more relevant for today’s viewers, with the city of Uruk being in the mix, we added some Middle Earth uruk-orcs, too.”
Others emphasized the music and casting.
“Payne Hanover and Elena Havens worked night and day to come up with the music and lyrics,” assistant director Helen Maples said. “It may sound reminiscent of their ‘Nudibranchs—The Musical’ score, but time was tight, and the songs take on an added resonance underwater.
“Casting-wise, Dermott Bottoms was the obvious choice for Enkidu the wild man,” Maples said. “And frankly, during rehearsals, we all get a kick out of him going berserk and beating the stuffing out of Lee Helm, playing the Bull of Heaven.”
Other cast members include:
- Cal Batten as Gilgamesh
- Jessie Catahoula as Inanna
- Finn Kiick as Ishtar
- Alison Diesel as Humbaba
- Jerrod Ephesians as the orc chieftain
BICC leaders say audience participation will be encouraged throughout the performance.
“This will be an immersive, collaborative experience for everyone,” Blenny said. “We’ll especially need extra orc soldiers of Uruk when they charge out to confront Humbaba.”
Performances will be Saturday and Sunday afternoons in November. Proceeds from the show will go to the Blacktip Island Cryptoarcheology Society.
All audience members will be required to pass a Breathalyser test prior to entering the water following last year’s unfortunate ‘Tora! Tora! Tora!’ incident during the BICC’s Hannukah play.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 23, 2022
Temperature: 84
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Maybe
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‘Eff Them Effers’ Sandspur Fest Highlights Blacktip Island’s Weekend
Blacktip Island residents will celebrate the island’s ubiquitous beach sandspurs (Footius fuqeurus) this weekend by ripping up and destroying as many of the plants as possible. (photo courtesy of Forest and Kim Starr)
Blacktip Island residents this Sunday will pay homage to the small Caribbean island’s pernicious sandspurs—spine-covered burs causing pain for barefoot beachgoers—by ripping up as many of the plants as possible at the 3rd annual ‘Eff Them Effers’ festival, event organizers said.
“Sandspurs are part of the ecosystem, blah blah blah, but tell me that after you step on a clump of them,” botanist Archie Pelago said. “Hurts like king hell. They go by all sorts of names, but most Blacktippers call them . . . well . . . it rhymes with ‘put truckers.’
“Anytime you’re up at the top of the beach, you’re in the sandspur zone,” Pelago said. “The fest is payback, and we rip up as many as possible. And there’s prizes for the most creative way to destroy them, their roots and their seeds. We can’t beat ‘em, but we can give it our best effort.”
Judges said the event will take place at multiple venues.
“We’re focusing on the high-traffic areas where the footfuckers are most trouble,” Leigh Shore said. “Most of the sites are along the west coast, where the resorts and most of the houses are. We’re asking participants to choose one of the five zones we’ve marked out and rip up as many plants as possible. Then, at the end of the day, we’ll get together for beer and whatnot at the award ceremony that evening.
“Folks get points deducted if they fail to rip out the roots,” Shore said. “The big payoff, points-wise, is how creatively they dispose of the plants. The standard technique’s to chuck them into the sea, but if people want to burn them or grind them up, or what have you, they’ll be scored according to originality and effectiveness.”
Participants were eager for the destruction to begin.
“Nothing more satisfying than ripping up those damn things, and I mean nothing,” Alison Diesel said. “I won second place last year with my footfucker cannon that shot bundles of ‘em 100 feet out into sea. This year I’m aiming for first place with my footfucker soup—gonna turn pain into something delicious. Got a spicy bite to it folks’ll love.”
Not everyone was happy with the festival.
“Like them or not, these plants are an integral part of the island’s ecosystem,” conservationist Harry Pickett said. “Tearing them up willy-nilly will have unknown consequences going forward. Birds eat the seeds. Small animals build their homes in them. If people don’t want stickers in their feet, they should watch where they’re walking. Or wear shoes.”
The winner of the contest will receive the coveted Golden Flip-Flop award, a pair of gold-painted tweezers and a tube of antibiotic cream. Second- and third-place winners will receive t-shirts.
All participants and supporters are welcome at the post-festival beer bonfire. Protestors will be flung deep into sandspur grass.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 16, 2022
Temperature: 82
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Take a raincoat
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The Blacktip Times 