Tag Archives: Blacktip Island

March 4, 2016 · 12:01 pm

Sand Flea Festival Highlights Blacktip Island’s Weekend

sand fleas

Sand fleas swarm over seaweed strewn on the Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort beach in preparation for Saturday’s Blacktip Island Sand Flea Festival. The festival culminates with a winner-takes-all naked crawl across the flea-infested beach. (photo courtesy of Lamiot)

 

Blacktip Island residents are bracing for Saturday’s annual Sand Flea Festival honoring local monks slain by Norse raiders.

“It’s the first gala fête of the Blacktip Island party season,” said event’s organizer Payne Hanover. “It’s a great mid-winter pick up. And having it during Lent means everyone can suffer, regardless of religious affiliation.”

The festival has its roots in Medieval times.

“For Lenten penance in the 13th and 14th centuries, island monks would fast, drink coconut mead, then strip naked and roll on the beach at sunrise and sunset to get as flea-bitten as possible,” Island historian Smithson Altschul said.

“In 1557 Norse raiders were blown off course, landed on Blacktip and slaughtered all the monks wriggling in the sand,” Altschul said. “After the Vikings left, locals kept up the sand flea tradition to honor the fallen monks.”

Recently, the festival morphed into a celebration of an island scourge.

“We figure if we can’t beat the no-see-ums, we might as well embrace them,” festival committee member Kay Valve said. “We throw a big party in their honor. Of course, on this island, we’ll throw a party in just about anyone’s honor.”

The festival, at Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort this year, will feature flea-themed food and drinks, a flea circus and a flea-bite henna tattoo stand.

Live music will be provided by local favorites The Social Morays, TURTLE!!!, and Young Jacques and the Double Hose.

As ever, the highlight of the festival will be the 100-meter naked beach crawl at dusk, with the winner being the contestant who takes the most time to complete the course. The victor will receive a case of Benadryl and be compensated for all medical expenses.

Prizes will also be awarded for most sand flea bites, largest bite and most painful-looking bite. Winners of each category will receive a Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort tank top and a year’s supply of calamine lotion.

“This is such a wonderful event,” Sandy Bottoms guest Suzy Souccup said. “I met my husband at Flea Fest years ago. We were on the beach in our skivvies, our eyes met, and fireworks went off.

“These were actual fireworks, you understand, from the resort,” Souccup said. “We stood staring at each other for so long, the sand fleas about ate us alive. We spent the rest of the night side-by-side in the clinic, getting IV cortisone and rubbing calamine on each other. It was magical.”

The festival is sponsored by Benadryl.

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February 26, 2016 · 7:06 am

Blacktip Island Divemasters Develop Hoseless Regulator

hoseless

The prototype of the “L’Air de la Mer” hoseless regulator, showing its patented triple bamboo oxygen separator units. (photo courtesy Marina DeLow)

 

In what is believed to be a scuba industry first, three Blacktip Island divemasters announced Thursday they have developed a working prototype of a hoseless regulator.

The device works by separating seawater’s oxygen atoms from the larger hydrogen atoms and salt molecules to create a constant supply of breathable air, the regulator’s creators said, and allowing its users to dive without the need of a scuba cylinder.

“A hoseless reg’s been an ongoing joke for years,” said divemaster Marina DeLow, one of the creators. “Then one night after the Ballyhoo closed, the physics of how to make it work just popped.

“We spent the next couple weeks working out the mechanics and building a working model,” DeLow said. “We used old second-stage regs, bamboo tubing and refrigerator water filters, mostly. It’s pretty technical.”

The team has tentatively dubbed the device the “L’Air de la Mer.”

“The Cousteau suits are all up in our business over the name,” co-creator Finn Kiick said. “But that’ll sort itself out. If not, well, you can’t buy advertising like that.”

Though the current prototype is limited in scope, its designers say they plan to produce freshwater versions, Nitrox versions, and a version suitable for technical diving.

“It’s rough looking, but it works,” said Gage Hoase, the team’s third member. “For now the L’AM’ll only convert water into pure O2, so we can’t go below 20 feet. But we got plans to rig one with an oxystat that’ll let you dial in whatever O2 percentage you need.

“On deeper tech dives you’ll be able to crank the O2 down as you descend, then turn it back up as you decompress,” Hoase said. “No more being weighed down with doubles and side mounts and pony bottles.”

The device is not without its skeptics.

“A bunch of drunk scuba bums cooked up The Holy Grail of scuba after a night at the bar, then got rat-faced again while they built the gizmo?” said local scuba enthusiast Barry Bottoms. “That’s not a breakthrough. That’s an accident waiting to happen.

“They say they have a specialty course in the works, too,” Bottoms said. “What’re they gonna call it, ‘Dumb-Ass Diver?’ ‘Dead Diver?’”

Local entrepreneurs, though, are eager to back the project.

“Assuming the L’AM tests to specs, we’re gonna handle the manufacturing and marketing,” said Piers ‘Doc’ Plank, owner of the island-based organic scuba outfitter Bamboo You. “Making this out of locally-sourced, renewable bamboo’ll be boon for the economy, too.

“This’ll be a top of the line reg, and eco-friendly, what with the bamboo O2 filters. This thing could sell better than our Nitrox snorkels.”

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February 19, 2016 · 9:07 am

Blacktip Island Fire Department Burns To The Ground

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A bottle of Dermott Bottoms’ highly-distilled coconut liquor is suspected of starting the catastrophic fire that destroyed Blacktip Island’s fire station and pickup truck.

 

The Blacktip Island fire station burned to the ground early Thursday morning in circumstances authorities have described as suspicious.

“There was nothing in that pole barn that would’ve caught fire on its own,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Not even the fire truck. The question’s whether someone started the fire on purpose or by accident.

“All we know for certain is the fire department was alerted at 2:15 A.M., and he responded within minutes,” Marquette said. “Smokey gave it all he had with a garden hose, but that wood siding burned fast. It’s been so dry lately.”

A fire department spokesperson denied rumors the fire was the fault of a disgruntled firefighter.

“I was down at the Last Ballyhoo when the call came in,” Fire Chief Smokey Blaise said. “And I was there all evening. I got the blood test to prove that.”

Blaise’s story was corroborated by many locals, who believe the fire was started inadvertently.

“Dermott Bottoms just did cook up a batch of his coconut hootch,” Blacktip resident Rocky Shore said. “That stuff’s closer to jet fuel than it is to liquor, and the usual crew was pounding it down and smoking and playing dominoes on the picnic table out back of the fire station all night.

“Ol’ Dermott’s been threatening to light his hootch-fueled intestinal gas for years,” Shore said. “You think it’s coincidence he’s been on his stomach in the clinic ever since? And that Rafe can’t question him because every time he tries, Rafe busts out laughing so hard he can’t talk?”

Island property owners, however, are more concerned about the safety of the island’s other structures.

“With the fire truck burned up, what happens if one of our homes catches fire?” local businessman Ham Pilchard said. “This is a serious failure that puts us all in jeopardy. Smokey riding around on his bike with buckets of water hanging from the handlebars just doesn’t cut it.”

Island mayor Jack Cobia was quick to reassure residents.

“Our public services are more than adequate to protect the community,” Cobia said. “And end of the day, Blacktip’s a small island, surrounded by water. There’s only so much that can burn, and so far it can burn.

“This fire was on the west coast, by Diddley’s Landing cement pier, with a strong east wind,” Cobia said. “It burned itself out pretty quick. Yeah, the concrete got a little scorched, but nothing that’ll stop supplies form coming in.”

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February 12, 2016 · 9:16 am

Fish ID Invitational Returns To Blacktip Island

fish ID

The discovery of a rare scratcher wrasse was the highlight of the last Blacktip Island Invitational Fish Identification Tournament. (Photo courtesy of Lonnie Huffman)

 

The Society to Protect Aquatic Wildlife Now’s 43rd Fish Identification Invitational Tournament returns to Blacktip Island this Saturday and Sunday after a two-year hiatus.

“We got blackballed three years ago after the culling fiasco,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “No one told us an island-wide lionfish hunt was going on that same day.

“The counts were horrible, and five, six competitors got speared by over-aggressive cullers,” Cobia said. “There were reports of non-lionfish getting culled, too. SPAWN banned IDing here until we could get that situation under control.”

Tournament organizers are excited to be back on Blacktip.

“Blacktip Island’s one of the region’s premier competitive fish ID spots,” said SPAWN president Olive Beaugregory. “The marine parks ensure great species diversity, and the Central Caribbean Drift goes right past here, bringing nutrients and exotic species.

“We’ve found gassy basslets, jack blennys, even a scratcher wrasse here,” Beaugregory said. “We’ve been itching to bring this tournament back to these reefs, so long as we can do that safely.”

As ever, participation in the tournament is restricted to fish identifiers who have won or placed in previous regional tournaments this fish ID season.

Among the competitors are points leader Bess Porgy, defending champion Laika Sturgeon, and local IDing phenom Ginger Bass, who’s having a stand-out sophomore year in the pros.

“Competitive IDing’s a fish-eat-fish world,” Bass said. “Sure, Blacktip’s my home turf, but I’ll still have one eye on the fish and the other behind my back.”

Teams of two SPAWN-certified judges will accompany each competitor to verify findings and to deter the unsportsmanlike behavior that has crept into the sport recently.

“Used to be, you’d stick canned tuna in your competitor’s BCD pocket, or rub them down with squid juice,” Beaugregory said. “Then last year in Belize it escalated to clipping mini chumsicles on your competitors to draw sharks. This year our people will make sure nothing fishy happens.

“Two judges per IDer means one can come up to swap out an air tank while the other keeps watch,” Beaugregory said. “And we’ll be patting down all the divers each morning, whether they like it or not. Most do.”

The tournament winner will receive the coveted Golden Coney trophy, $1,000 and a 10-point bump league standings.

Other tournament-related activities include a fish fry, and underwater chili cook off, a children’s Go Fish card tournament and free screenings of the 1960s Hollywood classics “Hello Down There” and “The Incredible Mr. Limpet.”

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February 5, 2016 · 10:34 am

Reality Television Show Focuses On Blacktip Island

gossips

Gossiping, shown on a fresco at the Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral, has been a popular Blacktip Island pastime for centuries. A televised reality series will focus on the island’s gossip mongers this spring.

 

Blacktip Island residents will be the subjects of a new reality television show premiering Saturday on the Hallmark Channel.

The show’s producer said the idea for the show came to her during a recent holiday on the small Caribbean island.

“I’d be at the bar after a day of diving, and all the locals wanted to do was dish dirt behind each others’ backs,” executive producer Catalina Luxfer said. “You can’t make this stuff up. We tried. It was nowhere near as entertaining as real-life Blacktip Island. The show writes itself.”

Luxfer said the island’s unique population keeps production costs at a minimum.

“We don’t have to coach the actors or provide scripts,” Luxfer said. “Our only staff’s a couple of camera people. Well, and a stable of editors to censor all the obscenity and profanity. We’re definitely editor heavy on this one.”

The show is titled “Well, I Heard,” after the most-commonly used phrase during early filming.

The inaugural episode centers on the fallout from Eagle Ray Cove managers Mickey and Kitty Smarr’s marital dysfunction.

“They’re quite keen about showing Kitty sleeping around behind Mickey’s back. Again,” said Eagle Ray Cove divemaster Lee Helm. “That’s old news, but I reckon the viewers don’t know that.”

Other locals say later episodes will draw a larger audience.

“It’ll be way better when they zoom in on dive staff,” said Alison Diesel, also an Eagle Ray Cove divemaster. “You know how it is on this little rock. You sneeze down at the Ballyhoo, someone’ll say, ‘Bless you’ up at the Tailspinner before you can wipe your nose.”

Not all Blacktip residents are happy with the notoriety the show has brought.

“This makes us all seem mean spirited,” the former Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “Only some of us are that way. Some of the time. I mean, sure, people stir the fecal matter, but Blacktip’s a small island. That’s just how people here interact.”

Blacktip Island’s Chamber of Commerce, meanwhile, praised the show’s effect on local businesses.

“They say overnight stays are up 23 percent from this time last year,” chamber president Sandy Bottoms said. “So are dive bookings, souvenir sales and bar tabs.

“That feeds on itself,” Bottoms said. “We give away free drinks when we hears they’ll be filming at our resort. The more booze people drink, the better the show is, the more tourists come down. Or so I’ve heard.”

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January 29, 2016 · 7:22 am

Divers Scared By Blacktip Island Scuba Mafia

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Scuba divers on Blacktip Island say they’ve been forced to pay extra to safely look at the Caribbean Island’s underwater creatures, such as these reef squid.

 

Blacktip Island authorities announced Thursday they are looking into allegations of an organized crime syndicate targeting scuba divers and the Caribbean island’s dive operations.

Local investigators say a loosely-organized group is extorting money from dive operators and independent divers in exchange for safety while scuba diving.

“Call them ‘wise guys’ or ‘gooddivers’ or whatever, a shakedown’s a shakedown,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Divers are being forced to buy bogus Marine Parks tags, and someone topside’s been chumming for sharks around divers who don’t pay.

Frightened scuba divers recounted a recent encounter.

“We didn’t buy that silly tag,” said Sheena Goode, a guest at Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort. “In the water, these big, bulky guys in all-black dive gear came out of nowhere. One shut off my air. Another one cut my husband’s octo hose.”

Locals say the problem has existed for months, but divers have been afraid to report it.

“Everybody knows it’s Cal Amari’s behind it all,” said a long-time resident, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He works out of The Last Ballyhoo bar down on the south end. Cal’s got his tentacles in every scuba racket on the island, from cut-rate nitrox to fake dive certs, and he’s hell to cross.

“Last week a shore diver got beat something fierce,” the source said. “Cracked the guy’s kneecaps. He’ll never scull-kick again. And the Blacktip Haven dive boat burned one night after Elena Havens refused to pay for protection.”

Island entrepreneur and restaurateur Amari dismissed the stories.

“Scuba’s risky. People get hurt,” Amari said. “I’m a respectable businessman concerned with the island’s economy. Dive staffs are stretched thin. The worry’s a dive accident could kill Blacktip’s tourism product.

“Do I have people in the water following divers? Sure. For safety,” Amari said. “My guys make sure people stay healthy. These mooks should be thanking us.”

The island’s dive professionals, meanwhile, denied any wrongdoing.

“No, the dive tags aren’t required, but divers love to collect those geegaws,” Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort dive manager Whitey Bottoms said. “Nothing illegal there. Our guests come up smiling. That’s our bottom line.”

Amari shrugged off allegations both he and the island’s resorts have unfairly benefitted from his actions.

“We do business with people who do business with us,” Amari said. “If Sandy’s cash is flowing better lately, good for him. But it’s pure coincidence, not cause and effect.”

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January 23, 2016 · 5:49 pm

Locals Protests Pay-For-Junk Plan At Blacktip Island Dump

dump fees

Blacktip Island residents may soon have to pay for items they remove from the island’s landfill if proposed legislation is passed.

 

A government proposal to charge for items taken from Blacktip Island’s garbage dump sparked a protest Friday in the small Caribbean community.

Known as ‘Home Depot’ to locals, the dump is often the first stop for local DIY projects.

Authorities say the new fees are necessary to fund the island’s public works. The proposal calls for repurposed garbage to be sold by weight or the assessed value of items, whichever is greater.

“Public services here are strapped,” landfill supervisor Harry Wrasse said. “We can’t afford to let people just walk away with junk anymore. We’ve got to squeeze all the juice we can from our oranges, whether folks like it or not.

“End of the day, if it’s in the government landfill, it belongs to the government,” Wrasse said. “Dumps are expensive, what with salary, benefits, fines and having to buy new garbage trucks every six months when our drivers get drunk and drive into the booby pond.”

Locals picketing the dump Friday afternoon disagreed.

“It’s the public landfill. It’s the people’s garbage,” resident Palometa Fischer said. “Assigning arbitrary values to stuff that’s been discarded is modern-day piracy.

“This is a case of one tin-plated government functionary abusing what little power they’ve given him,” Fischer said. “And you think it’s coincidence there’s no system in place to keep track of the fees? Harry and his cronies’re pocketing the money.”

Other locals were concerned about the fees’ effects on their lifestyle.

“Dump diving’s a Blacktip tradition,” resident Ginger Bass said. “Now there’ll be no more salvaged tin roofing, no more fire pits made from washer drums, no more expired fire extinguisher fights.

“We’re telling everybody to boycott the place, keep their junk,” Bass said. “Government honchos are talking out of both side of their mouths. First they say we have to reuse and recycle, then they make it harder for us to do that. There’s more here than meets the eye.”

Others in the community are taking further steps to undermine the planned fees.

“If a washing machine or junked car never makes it to the dump, well, the government can’t charge for it, can they?” Fischer said. “We’re making a list of who has what to throw away.”

“Worst case, we’ll start our own co-op dump where folks can swap stuff for free,” Fischer said.

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January 15, 2016 · 8:56 am

Blacktip Island Fisherman Militia Seizes Marine Park

militia

Blacktip Island fisherman militia members set out Thursday morning to reinforce their Blacktip Underwater Marine Park blockade.

 

An anti-government fisherman militia Wednesday seized Blacktip Island’s world-renowned Blacktip Underwater Marine Park, demanding scuba diving there be banned and the mooring sites returned to local fishermen.

Militia members armed with pole spears, hand lines and fishing poles tied skiffs to all mooring balls off the coast and blocked shore access to the park.

The action is the latest in a series of fisherman versus scuba diver confrontations on the small Caribbean island.

“The government had no right to set this stretch of coast aside for foreigners. No right to outlaw fishing,” local fisherman Dermott Bottoms said. “This is generations of resentment finally boiling over.

“We’re a democracy, you know, and no one voted on the park, or was even asked about it,” Bottoms said. “This is our vote to ban divers. It’s our water. We’re taking it back.”

The action has divided families in the small community.

“Scuba tourism’s our only industry,” said Sandy Bottoms, owner of Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort and Dermott Bottoms’ cousin. “With the park shut down, there’s no reason for divers to come here. This’s killing us. I got payroll to meet, mouths to feed, a swimming pool to pay for.

“Dermott and his buddies waving gaff hooks at people doesn’t help, either,” Sandy Bottoms said. “They can say those spears are for defense all they want, but our guests are intimidated.”

The protestors defended their right to carry fishing implements.

“These are legal pole spears,” Dermott Bottoms said. “Gaff hooks, too. Some divers get scared, that’s their doing, not ours. I’ll give up my fishing pole when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

Visiting scuba divers are angry at not being able to dive in the park.

“I don’t give a wrasse’s ass what these yahoos are protesting,” Eagle Ray Divers guest Leah Shore said. “I paid a ton on money to come here and look at fish, and by God, that’s what I mean to do.”

Violence was averted Thursday afternoon when island authorities stopped a group of divers wielding tank bangers from storming the militia’s lines.

“We nipped this one before things got ugly,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Bussed the divers over to the east side and told them that was a marine park, too.

“We’ve hesitated to confront militia members for fear of things escalating,” Marquette said. “If we try to force the fishermen out, a peaceful situation could turn violent. Also, there’s about 35 of them and only one of me.”

Militia members, meanwhile, vow they won’t leave anytime soon.

“Happiness is a warm hand line spool,” Bottoms said. “‘Specially when you whack it upside some bureaucrat’s pointy head.”

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January 8, 2016 · 5:58 am

Scuba Divers Find Lemming Crab Graveyard Off Blacktip Island

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Lemming crab shells litter the sand 200 feet beneath the surface on Blacktip Island’s south end. Local biologists say the shells, found by technical scuba divers, confirm rumors of the crabs committing mass suicide the first of every year.

 

Technical scuba divers on a training dive Wednesday discovered what is believed to be Blacktip Island’s legendary lemming crab graveyard off the island’s remote southeast coast.

“The crab population drops dramatically every January, and we suspected a site like this existed,” said local wildlife manager Crusty Station said. “The salt-cured, faux-ivory carapaces wash up on south end beaches all the time. They’re the Holy Grail for beachcombers, jewelers and oriental homeopaths.

“They found the shells down past 200 feet, just below the bluff,” Station said. “Every indication is thousands of crabs charged off the cliff en masse.”

Lemmings crabs are a subspecies of the common Caribbean land crab, found only on Blacktip Island. Their name is derived from their suspected mass suicides, akin to those of the Scandinavian rodents.

“Where they go has always been a mystery,” long-time resident Frank Males said. “One day the island is overrun with crabs, the next there are none to be found. There’ve always been tales of them running off the bluff behind The Last Ballyhoo, but there’s also tales of a talking platypus back there, too.

“This evidence of mass suicide smacks of a post-holiday depression sort of thing,” Maples said. “It’s a stressful time for everyone.”

Island researchers are eager to study the site.

“We’d speculated that once the crab population hits a tipping point, something snaps species-wide,” Tiperon University-Blacktip behavioral biologist Porgy Cottonwick said. “The population shift from maximum carrying capacity to near extinction was more than natural predation or hungry holiday revelers could account for.

“Our studies will focus on whether this is an attempted migration gone wrong, or possibly an instinctive suicide urge to preserve the species,” Cottonwick said

Locals say such behavior is to be expected on the small Caribbean island.

“Biological urges are hard to overcome,” local handyman Dermott Bottoms said. “See this kind of thing at the Last Ballyhoo and the Sand Spit bars every night.

“See the same thing in divemasters, too,” Bottoms said. “Now they’re here, now they’re gone. Of course, divemasters aren’t killing themselves, but there’s those who wish they would.”

Island officials, meanwhile, have cordoned off the area to stop treasure hunters from diving to the extreme depths to collect the valuable shells.

“Those shells bring a pretty penny on the black market,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Folks grind them up, use them for back pain. And as aphrodisiacs. But your chances of coming back alive from that deep are slim.

“We’re not going to have divers dying trying to get crab shells,” Marquette said. “They wash up dead on resort beaches, that’s bad for business.”

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January 1, 2016 · 2:34 pm

Blacktip Island Entrepreneur Repurposes Selfie Sticks As Safety Aids

selfie sticks

A prototype of Blacktip Island entrepreneur “Doc” Plank’s A Grand Eyes bamboo gauge extender. The device takes its inspiration from the ubiquitous selfie sticks.

 

Blacktip Island scuba manufacturer Bamboo You kicked off the new year Friday by unveiling its new line of repurposed selfie sticks designed to help older scuba divers better see their gauges underwater.

“As divers get older, their close-up vision goes to hell,” said Bamboo You founder Piers “Doc” Plank. “Gauges with bigger numbers can only do so much, no matter how far away the divers hold them.

“People keep joking they need longer arms,” Plank said. “Seeing everybody running around with these telescoping sticks, using them as gauge extenders was a no brainer.”

Marketed as A Grand Eyes, the sticks are made from locally-sourced bamboo.

“A Grand Eyes do so much more than address our customers’ presbyopia,” Bamboo You marketing director Christina Mojarra said. “Like all Bamboo You products, they’re 100 percent natural and made from a renewable island resource. They’re good for Blacktip and good for the planet.”

The new devices have already won the praises of dive professionals.

“We banned those damned camera sticks on all our boats a while back,” Eagle Ray Divers operations manager Ger Latner said. “People kept jamming them into the reef, and there were several unfortunate incidents when sticks got stuck in uncomfortable places on a rolling dive boat.

“Now, though, Doc found a way to turn them to a useful purpose,” Latner said. “We got a lot less divers going into deco because they can’t see their depth or time or nitrogen loading.”

Scuba divers who tested the sticks were impressed as well.

“I was about to give up diving,” said dive guest Buddy Brunnez. “This gizmo’s a game changer, though. Now I just zip my computer out as far as I need. And if my eyes get worse, well, I can zip the stick out farther.”

Some of the Caribbean island’s dive staff, however are dubious of the new devices.

“Whether it’s a camera or a gauge console on the end of the stick, they’re still a hazard,” Eagle Ray Divers divemaster Lee Helm said. “Divers are still bashing the reef, but this time under the guise of safety. It’s lipstick on a pig, really.”

Bamboo You officials remain unfazed by the criticism.

“With scuba diver demographics skewing older every year, A Grand Eyes are the wave of the future,” Mojarra said. “Divers can accessorize with extra long high pressure hoses to get gauge consoles as far away as they need to read the numbers.

“We’re marketing the sticks to island restaurants as menu extenders, too,” Mojarra said. “We expect this to be one of our best selling products, right up there with bamboo weights and nitrox snorkels.”

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