The Blacktip Times

Blacktip Island’s Flat Earth Council members are using a modern version of a medieval T-and-O map—centered on Jerusalem, with east at the top as with the original T-and-Os— as evidence the Earth is not spherical. (infographic courtesy of Foobaz)

A pair of Blacktip Islanders this week founded a chapter of the Flat Earth Council, an international organization devoted to proving the planet is not spherical, in an effort to rebut comments made by scientists at a recent astrology lecture on the small Caribbean island.

“We’re tired of folks telling us we live on a giant ball, when we obviously don’t,” Blacktip Island FEC president B.C. Flote said. “FEC’s got chapters all around the globe, and it’s about time we got one here to combat the flat-out lies being spread. Shouldn’t have to prove something so obvious, but here we are.

“We’re clearly living on a giant flying pancake in space,” Flote said. “Ancient Greeks and Egyptians knew it— Herodotus and Balzac and all them. St. Augustine, too. Think about it—no matter how high up a mountain you climb, the horizon’s always at eye level. If that doesn’t prove it, I don’t know what does.”

The chapter’s other member was more conspiracy minded.

“All those photos from space showing a curvy Earth are part of the hoax,” Goldie Goby said. “Bill Gates and NASA and the global Illuminati all have a vested interest in the spherical Earth concept. That’s how they make their money. And keep us in line.

“And the Earth’s actually more of a bowl than a pancake,” Goby said. “The Arctic’s in the center, and the Antarctic’s a giant wall of ice around the outside, kind of like the salt on the rim of a margarita glass. Except it’s ice, not salt. NASA security folks guard the wall and keep people from falling off the other side.”

The island’s scientific community derided the idea.

“The idea of the Earth being flat is a relic of the Bronze age,” Tiperon University-Blacktip astrology professor Sally Port said. “Aristotle even calculated the circumference in the 3^rd-Century BCE. This isn’t new stuff. Goldie and B.C. need to send their T-and-O maps back to the Middle Ages. But she’s an Aries and he’s a Scorpio, so what can you do?

“Every space agency in the world has photos of a nice, round Earth, just like all the other planets,” Port said. “And if that’s not proof enough, if the Earth were flat, cats would have knocked everything off the edges long before now. Think about it.”

Flote rebutted that criticism.

“Saying Aristotle proved the world’s round isn’t saying much,” he said. “You can’t trust Greeks using Arabic numerals. A giant snow globe dome’s the only thing keeping us safe, and Sally knows it.”

Island authorities are taking a wait-and-see approach to the group.

“So long as they’re not drunk-brawling or tearing anything up, I have no problem with them,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “So far, they’re harmless. And if this keeps them out of the bars and off the roads, preferably both, I’m all for it.”