Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, September 3, 2023
Temperature: 97
Humidity: 76%
Precipitation: On its way
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Blacktip Island Pilot Launches Plane-Less Flying Club
An illustration of a man wearing a pair of Blacktip Island pilot Reg Gurnard’s Kevlar wings, which he will use to teach local residents to fly. (illustration courtesy of Reg Gurnard)
A Blacktip Island-based commercial pilot this week announced his plans to teach would-be flyers how to fly using only their arms and legs, in an effort to realize one of mankind’s oldest dreams.
“Since Ancient Greece, people have longed to simply flap their arms and fly, like in the Icarus story,” Tiperon Airways pilot Reg Gurnard said. “Now, with modern technology, we’ll be teaching students to do precisely that, but without the messy, melty beeswax. I’m calling it the Gurnard Flying Club.
“We’ll start them with ground school—a rigorous physical training regimen to strengthen their arm muscles,” Gurnard said. “Then we’ll kit them out with high-tech Kevlar strap-on wings and leggings. From there, they’ll start with gliding, then advance to flapping-and-flying.”
Several island residents have already joined the club.
“I’ve literally dreamed of doing something like this, so you bet I’m jumping at the chance,” Lee Helm said. “Plus, by signing up early, Reg gave me an early-enrollment discount. I’m already doing push-ups and curls to pump up my arms.
“This will be flying at its purest,” Helm said. “This isn’t like those silly wing suits people use to glide down mountainsides. This will be actual flying, with take offs and landings and flapping. People and birds both evolved from dinosaurs, so this is really a natural extension of that.”
Some locals opposed the idea.
“If someone actually tries to fly with Reg’s wings, say, off the bluff, they’ll be hurt. Badly,” island clinic nurse Marissa Graysby said. “And there’s just me to patch them up. Or what’s left of them. If Reg is determined to do this, I really wish he’d do it somewhere else. Like the other side of the world.”
Others discredited the notion on principle.
“There’s no type of artificial wings that would allow a human to simply flap their arms and fly,” Tiperon University-Blacktip chancellor Donna Requin said. “The laws of physics and physiology won’t allow it. Never have and never will. This is just Reg’s way to get attention. And grift money from gullible dreamers.
“That being said, I’ll make sure I have a front-row seat to all the training sessions,” Requin said. “I’ll bring drinks and popcorn and a folding chair so I can watch the idiots run around flapping their arms and tripping over the kites strapped to their legs.”
Gurnard noted the training sessions will take place each morning at the small Caribbean island’s airstrip. Students are encouraged to wear lightweight clothing and sunscreen. All participants will also be cautioned not to fly overly close to the sun.
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Happy Dolphins and Dinoflagellates Day to all who observe
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, August 27, 2023
Temperature: 96
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Not happenin’
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Blacktip Island To Host Dump-Sourced Underwater Lightsaber Festival
Would-be Jedis of all ages are encouraged to participate in this weekend’s Underwater Lightsaber Festival and competition, sponsored by Blacktip Island’s Society for Creative Futurism. (photo courtesy of matnkic)
Blacktip Island’s Society for Creative Futurism will sponsor its inaugural Underwater Lightsaber Festival this weekend to draw attention to the small Caribbean island’s need to reuse and recycle household goods instead of sending them to the island’s overfull dump.
“Some of us have been making lightsabers for a while,” SCF president Catalina Luxfer said. “Building the hilt and focusing the plasma blade is pretty straightforward. The challenge is to create the saber solely with items found in the island’s dump. It’s our way of graphically demonstrating just how much reusable debris is simply tossed aside.
“On a small island like this, with limited landfill space, we can’t afford not to reuse, repurpose and recycle,” Luxfer said. “We added the requirement for the swords to function underwater to draw even more attention to the problem. Physics-wise, it’s not much of a jump, but it’s damned impressive. And the fish seem to love it, especially the hamlets.”
Other SCF members noted the festival’s strict format.
“Participants will have all day Friday to gather parts at the landfill,” Payne Hanover said. “Then they’ll have all day Saturday to construct their weapons at the Heritage House, where spectators and judges can watch the assembly. On Sunday we’ll all deploy to the sand flats off Didley’s Landing for the combat demonstrations.
“We’re stressing safety at every step of the process,” Hanover said. “It’s easy to get cut up digging through the dump, and during the assembly process we’ll require builders to always point the plasma-blade generator in a safe direction. A couple of weeks ago Booger Bottoms put an eye out when he first powered up his blade.”
Organizers said sabers will be judged on ingenuity, originality and effectiveness.
“It’s more of a celebration than a contest, a symposium, if you will, on this technology,”
Val Schrader said. “But we’re all fairly competitive, so there have to be prizes of some sort. Single- and multi-blade swords will be allowed. The most interesting part, I think, will be seeing the variety of lightsabers produced by essentially like-minded people.
“The sabers will be judged by local Jedi,” Schrader said. “Well, members of the island’s Jedi Church, anyway. But it’s pretty much the same thing.”
To encourage attendance, all phases of the event will be free and open to the public.
“We want as many people as possible involved with recycling and conservation, but we’re also looking for new SCF members of all ages,” Luxfer said. “We’re especially hopeful we’ll attract some younger would-be Jedi and Sith padawans so we can pass this knowledge on to future generations.”
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Doomsday Recipe Vault Planned For Blacktip Island
Blacktip Island residents will construct a storage vault, modeled on Norway’s doomsday seed vault, to preserve their favorite island recipes in the event of a natural disaster. (photo courtesy of Cierra Martin)
Blacktip Island authorities have chosen a site high on the small Caribbean island’s southern bluff to construct a vault to preserve island recipes for future generations in case of a civilization-ending catastrophe.
“With all the wildfires and wars and meteors going on right now, we thought it best to build a secure repository of things that can’t be replaced,” Christina Mojarra said. “We’re concentrating on things that’ll help rebuild civilization if all us current Blacktippers get wiped out.
“We got the idea from that seed vault they built up in Svalbard,” Mojarra said. “We’re building it out of concrete, up high on the bluff, in the center of the island, safe from any flooding. We’ll keep the bushes trimmed back, too, to reduce fire risk. This is our culture, our heritage on the line here.”
Locals were quick to debate what recipes should go into the vault.
“Harry Blenny’s conch fritters are a shoe-in,” Reg Gurnard said. “So is ‘Tonio Fletcher’s fortified sea-grape wine. And Peachy Bottoms’ callaloo, maybe. Folks crawl out of caves after a doomsday event, they’ll be needing things like that. We’re taking suggestions now, and will be putting it all to a vote Friday.”
Some residents, however, questioned the project.
“The whole thing’s a bogus construction project of Rich Skerritt’s, on worthless land he owns up on the bluff,” government watchdog Wade Soote said. “I guarantee it’ll go way over budget, repeatedly, and’ll never get finished. He’s not doing this to preserve culture or out of altruism. He’s building it to wash money through.
“The whole Skerritt family’s in on it,” Soote said. “They’re building a special road up to the place, too. And Ferris Skerritt’s handling all the finances, so you know it’s dodgy as all get-out.”
Others focused on more practical matters.
“Dermott Bottoms is lobbying hard to be the caretaker, but that’s just because he wants to use the bunker as his personal hurricane shelter,” vault conservator Fannie Bottoms said. “Knowing Dermott, there won’t be much caretaking, but there’s be an awful lot of beer drinking.”
Bottoms denied the allegation.
“Concerned about Blacktip’s heritage, y’know,” he said. “Concerned about passing things on to the next generation. And if I happen to be up there during a big storm, that just means everything inside’s that much safer.”
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The Blacktip Times 