Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, November 5, 2023
Temperature: 91
Humidity: 72%
Precipitation: Zero chance
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Anti-Christmas Music Parkour Launched On Blacktip Island
A group of Blacktip Island residents has banded together to create an extreme sport dedicated to hearing as little Christmas music—both live and recorded—as possible this holiday season. (photo courtesy of Shiraz Chakera)
A group of Christmas-music opponents on Blacktip Island this week announced the creation of what they term the new extreme sport of avoiding all forms of holiday music for as long as possible in order to preserve their mental health.
“It’s not a war on Christmas, just Christmas songs,” Jessie Catahoula said. “It’s about self preservation, really. All Christmas music, all the time, drives people bug nutty. The goal is to not hear any sort of holiday music from now through December 26. It’s a sport because it’ll require a lot of running, vaulting and diving out of windows. It’s extreme because we’ll be doing it non-stop for the next seven weeks.
“It’s not possible to completely avoid Christmas music, but as competitors, we’ll dodge it as much as we possibly can,” Catahoula said. “We know the challenge’ll get progressively more difficult the closer we get to Christmas. Headphones and ear plugs will be de rigueur, as will pressing your hands to your ears and yelling, ‘la la la la.”’
Participants say there will be no physical trophy for the winner.
“It’s all about bragging rights, end of the day,” Cal Batten said. “And staying sane. Honestly, it’ll be damn-near impossible to not hear Christmas music, but it’ll minimize the exposure so no one’ll go to jail for assault. That happened to Dermott Bottoms last year the 18th time he heard that damn Mariah Carey song. He tore king hell out of the Sand Spit bar and sent three people to the medical clinic.
“People want to listen to that ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ dreck non-stop, that’s their choice,” Batten said. “But we have the right to not be tortured by it, and avoiding it by any means possible is our choice. If that means me doing a constant parkour routine for the next two months, it’s totally worth it.”
Others stressed the activity’s positive secondary benefits.
“You won’t see me in a bar ‘til New Years, so that’ll kill my booze intake,” Alison Diesel said. “I’m also getting food delivered so I don’t have to go into Peachy’s store. That means my calorie load’ll drop way off, so I’ll lose weight. If a steady stream of holiday music fills my life with lemons, I’m damn sure making lemonade out of it.”
A group of Christmas music afficionados has launched a program to combat the new sport.
“We put big-ass speakers on top of the church steeple to spread Christmas joy as far and wide as possible,” Blacktip Non-Denominational Church pastor Rev. Pierre Grunt said. “We’ll blast out Christmas music all day and night, kind of like a mosque’s call to prayer. We’re putting underwater speakers on the reef, too, so we can reach scuba divers.
“People have to understand this is the happiest time of the year,” Grunt said. “Folks can’t escape it. They can run and hide all they want, but they’ll enjoy this music and be happy, even if we have to cram it down their throats.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 29, 2023
Temperature: 92
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Unlikely
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Blacktip Island Prepares For Day of the Dead Festivities
Jessie Catahoula (left) and Hugh Calloway won last year’s Day of the Dead costume contest at Blacktip Island’s Heritage House. The small Caribbean island’s residents will celebrate the day all day Tuesday. (photo courtesy of 5chw4r7z)
Blacktip Island residents will spend this weekend preparing for Tuesday’s island-wide Day of the Dead celebrations, the post-Halloween day of remembrance honoring loved ones who have passed away.
“It’s a-historical, but it’s become a thing here the last few years,” the former Reverend Jerrod Ephesians, Blacktip Island Ecumenical Council president, said. “It’s a combination of older Taino tribal influences, West African traditions of escaped slaves and rituals of Spanish navy deserters. They all had the same general idea, so we just mashed them together. It really pulls the community together, regardless of backgrounds.
“All the events and festivities will be in memory of our friends, family and forebearers,” Ephesians said. “The night will end with a vigil at the island cemetery. Truth be told, though, it’s also an excuse to get dead drunk. That’s why it became so popular so fast. This is Blacktip, after all.”
Residents say the remembrances go beyond friends and family.
“The two main Taino gods were the booby bird god and the land crab goddess,” Donna Requin said. “No one remembers their names, so we just call them Fred and Ethyl. During the festivities people snack on gingerbread iguanas and spun-sugar land crabs. The frigate birds get nothing. They’re a-holes.”
Numerous activities will accompany the Day of the Dead-themed food.
“There’ll be costume parades, a tall-tale-telling contest and dancing. Lots of dancing,” Doris Blenny said. “All of it centers around the idea that any of us could die any time. Like Joey Pompano did last year during the final drink-off at the cemetery.
“Folks’re encouraged to dress up like skeletons, as best they can,” Blenny said. “Peachy’s store’s already sold out of pool noodles. And garden hoses. And white paint and black cloth. It’s appropriate attire since the night ends with those still conscious getting drunk at the cemetery and passing out. To honor the dead, of course.”
Locally-produced coconut mead will be provided by monks from St. Dervil’s singing iguana monastery.
“Our coconut mead is the libation of choice on the Day of the Dead,” Father Poppy Bottoms said. “A couple of shots of that, you’ll be by-God communing with the dead. In a good way. We do encourage all celebrants to eat heartily before and during the festivities.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 22, 2023
Temperature: 90
Humidity: 72%
Precipitation: Incoming
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Sinking Blacktip Island Has Residents On Alert
Rising waters on Blacktip Island have many residents worried the island is sinking due to the weight of new construction. (photo courtesy of James Mann)
Blacktip Island officials, alarmed at island-wide flooding this week, warned residents the small Caribbean island may be sinking due to increased construction.
“The island can only support so much weight without sinking,” Public Works chief Stoney Macadam said. “It’s a small island, with a small base that’ll only support so much weight. We already passed balanced-building regulations to ensure if something gets built on one side of the island, an equal something gets built on the other side to keep us from tipping over, but we didn’t factor in overall island-wide load capacity.
“We also didn’t factor in the weight of island visitors and their luggage,” Macadam said. “Our record tourism numbers this year are great, but they come at a price. Plus, most of our guests are healthy eaters, so the weight-per-tourist ratio is spiking, too. And this is right before our busy holiday season.”
Some locals blame tourism in general.
“Never had this problem before they started building all these resorts,” Fanny Basslet said. “Lots of concrete goes into hotels and swimming pools and such. Sandy Bottoms’ big-ass resort by itself probly sunk the island a couple inches. We warned folks about this, but they were too greedy. Now here we are.
“Land crabs are swarming, too. That’s a big sign something’s up,” Basslet said. “You look on the Mayan calendar, it’s got a panel about just this, but people don’t want to believe. Overloading our environment, and now we’re paying the price. Flooded roads and ponds’re just the start.”
Others scoffed at the idea.
“This is more of Stoney’s attention grabbing,” Tiperon University-Blacktip geology professor Leigh Shore said. “Water’s high, and roads are flooding, because of all the tropical storms. The ponds always fill up this time of year. I’d love for Stoney, or anyone, really, to explain, geologically, how the island could sink. Using examples and as much specificity as possible. This is self-imposed ignorance.”
The announcement has also sparked an island-wide surge in boat sales.
“Anybody didn’t have a boat, they got one now,” Peachy Bottoms said. “Most’re strapping ‘em to the roofs of their houses, so they’re ready to go if Blacktip sinks in a hurry. Got mine rigged up like that, packed with all my stuff. And I’m sleeping in it. Soon’s the water hits the top of my roof, I just cut the straps and away I’ll go.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 15, 2023
Temperature: 92
Humidity: 74%
Precipitation: 50/50
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The Blacktip Times 