Friends And Neighbors, It’s Wednesday:
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 7, 2023
Temperature: 93
Humidity: 76%
Precipitation: Not today
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Blacktip Island Reefs Overwhelmed By Anemone Lickers
Blacktip Island’s reefs have become a hot spot for scuba divers licking sea anemones for their hallucinogenic effects. (photo courtesy of Bernard Spragg)
Blacktip Island reefs this week became ground zero for scuba divers engaging in the controversial new practice of sea-anemone licking, prompting a swift response from island officials.
“These whackadoos are out there licking anemones to get a buzz,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “It’s a twist on the toad licking that was all the rage years ago. Problem is, it’s damaging our reefs and aquatic life. Every time one of these yahoos touches an anemone, or the coral around it, they’re doing irreparable damage to the underwater ecosystem.
“This is a marine park, not an opium den,” Schrader said. “We fine them when we catch them, but they don’t care. We’ve located all the anemones in the park and installed security cameras and motion detectors around them. We’re also doing random patrols during non-peak hours to catch any lickers who sneak in from shore.”
Anemone afficionados were not deterred.
“The purple anemones are the best,” said a diver who requested anonymity. “First you feel the tingle from the stinging cells, then WHAM, you’re buzzing from the tip of your tongue to the tips of your toes. One second you’re taking your reg out, the next you’re just grooving along with all the groupers.
“Now, with all the blue shirts trying to shut us down, it’s getting tougher to get to the anemones,” the diver said. “We’ve had to branch out, find anemones outside the marine park, at more remote sites. The optimum depth’s 40-50 feet, but some are shallow enough for swimmers and snorkelers to get to.”
Island health officials say the practice has created a local health crisis.
“Anemone toxins are fairly mild, but some people are allergic to them,” Island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “I’m already critically low on epi-pens to treat lickers in shock. This is a small medical clinic, and these people are taking vital resources from people who truly need them.
“There’ve been no fatalities so far, somehow,” Graysby said. “Being sensory impaired 60 feet underwater is not a healthy thing to be. It’s only a matter of time before someone has a seizure and drowns.”
Authorities are implementing new regulations to discourage the anemone licking.
“The Island Council pushed through new, stiffer fines for anyone caught abusing sea anemones,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “We’ve also begun mandatory post-dive tongue inspections to identify divers who’ve licked anemones. You surface with a red, swollen tongue, you’re going to the jail and will be significantly poorer. This isn’t that kind of island.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, September 24, 2023
Temperature: 95
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Definite potential
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Blacktip Island’s New Floating Cars Will Offset Flood Risks
A Blacktip Island entrepreneur has announced plans to manufacture amphibious automobiles, modeled loosely on World War II-era amphibious DUKW boats, to fight climate-change induced flooding. (photo courtesy of Sue Nami)
A Blacktip Island inventor announced plans Wednesday to begin manufacturing buoyant cars in an effort to combat damage caused by climate change-induced flooding.
“Every time you turn on the news you see cars getting washed away in massive floods,” Sue Nami said. “With all these climate changes, disastrous flash floods are becoming the norm. But with a Float-O-Bil, you won’t have to worry about losing your vehicle. When flood waters rise, so will your ride.
“They’ll also be equipped with sensors that’ll inflate a tube around the car, so it won’t get damaged bashing into anything,” Nami said. “When water hits the center of the axle—POOF—an airbag deploys around the car. An anchor’ll be standard, too, so motorists don’t have to be worried about washing away completely. We can’t stop floods, but we can out-maneuver them.”
Residents say the cars will be beneficial, even without flash floods.
“We get a good, heavy rain for a few days, the roads flood,” Lefty Wright said. “That causes all kind of problems ‘cause folks can’t get to and from work. Just last week, when the pond overflowed from normal rain, Dermott Bottoms hit a tarpon driving in to work. With one of these new cars, that wouldn’t have happened, and Dermott would’ve been spared an awkward conversation with his insurance agent.”
Local climate researchers lauded the Float-O-Bil.
“As floods become more common, vehicles like this’ll become standard,” Tiperon University-Blacktip climate sciences professor Goby Graysby said. “We’ll be seeing these all over the world. It’ll drive auto insurance rates down, too. Sure, they’ll cost more up front, but they’ll pay for themselves over time.”
Environmental activists, however, were skeptical.
“This is a Pollyana-esque idea that’s in no way practical,” Coral Reef Aquatic Protectors president Harry Pickett said. “It’ll take years just to build the factory, then more years to produce the cars—which are dubious, at best. Why not take all that energy and money and put it into flood prevention? And stop building in flood-prone zones.”
Nami brushed aside those concerns.
“Harry’s stuck in the past,” she said. “We have to focus on the future, and the future is all about amphibious vehicles. It’s not as far-fetched as Harry makes it sound—there’s still amphibious Duck boats from World War II in service. And constructing the factory and building cars’ll create a ton of new jobs on the island. There’s no down side to this.
“We also have plans to develop up-market models with means of propulsion,” Nami said. “Top-of-the-market will have a small propeller that’ll deploy off the transmission. Lower-priced models with come with either oars or paddles, whichever the customer prefers. And if the Float-O-Bil is a success, we’ll look into building floating houses.”
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Catch a Wave, and You’re Sittin’ on Top of the World
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, September 24, 2023
Temperature: 94
Humidity: 74%
Precipitation: Elsewhere
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Blacktip Island Activists Snatch Banned Books From Heritage House
Blacktip Island’s Heritage House book-lending library has fewer offerings today after a pair of concerned citizens removed multiple titles included on various internet banned books lists. (photo courtesy of Energyme)
An ad-hoc committee of two concerned Blacktip Island residents seized dozens of books from the island’s Heritage House lending library Wednesday afternoon, claiming the titles were included on multiple banned book lists.
“It was the darndest thing,” Heritage House docent Doris Blenny said. “Rusty Goby and Ginger Bass just stormed in. Rusty started shouting out titles from a printed list, while Ginger snatched those books off the shelves. They filled two dive bags, then charged back out the door and roared away on their scooters.
“It’s a shame, since so many people—locals and visitors alike—rely on our book-swap program for reading materials,” Blenny said. “Common courtesy when one takes a book without leaving one in its place is to leave a dollar. They just ran off without leaving anything, yelling about corrupt books corrupting island.”
Island authorities say little can be done.
“It’s a lending library, where people voluntarily swap used books at no charge,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “No law has been broken, since, technically, nothing was stolen. True, this committee of two has no legal standing or authority, but neither does a room filled with free books. Now, if they set them on fire in a way that threatens property or structures, then I can act. They’ve been banned from the premises, and that’s hopefully the end of it.”
Committee members said the book confiscation was a long time coming.
“Blacktip has become an irreverent society, and the availability of these suspect books feeds that,” Rusty Goby said. “Our coral’s bleaching, we’re swamped in sargassum and our children are smart-mouthed, all because these books have been passed around without thought. They’re on that banned list for a reason. As soon as we get rid of them, we can get back to a normal life.
“We also grabbed a bunch of comic books that weren’t on the list, but ought to be,” Goby said. “Men and women running around in Spandex, so everyone can see their business, it’s obscene. We can’t reason with folks, so we just have to do what’s best for them.”
Bass noted multiple classics were among the seized books.
“We got ‘A Wrinkle in Time’ first. That was a no-brainer,” she said. “We also got that ‘Mockingbird’ book, ‘cause it’s got ‘tequila’ in its title, ‘Brave New World’ for promoting communism and socialism and fascism, and ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’ since it’s got people in tizzies these days.
“Took every copy of the ‘Bible,’ too, ‘cause there’s stories in there that’re absolutely filthy,” Bass added. “And we’ll be burning all the copies of ‘Fahrenheit 451’ this weekend, to let people know we mean business.”
Most residents were unconcerned.
“Rusty and Ginger are both whack-a-doos,” resident Donna Requin said. “They’ll take their meds, calm down and bring all the books back. Personally, I think Rusty took the books home to read without folks knowing he borrowed them, and without them showing up on his browser history.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, September 17, 2023
Temperature: 96
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Let it rain
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The Blacktip Times 