Sunday, November 19, 2023
Temperature: 89
Humidity: 01%
Precipitation: Nope
Thanksgiving Will Bring ‘Sea Slug Slide’ To Blacktip Island
Sea slug costumes of all descriptions will be de rigueur Thanksgiving Day for the inaugural half-mile ‘Sea Slug Slide’ race past several Blacktip Island resorts. (Photo courtesy of Bernard Picton)
Blacktip Island community organizers will stage the small Caribbean island’s inaugural ‘Sea Slug Slide’ race down the main street to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday in place of the traditional 5K road race.
“Folks are bored with the annual Turkey Trot 5K,” race organizer Led Waite said. “Even when we switched it to the ‘Booby Trot,’ only three runners showed up. This year we’re going a different, more creative direction that really plays to island life.
“Contestants will dress up as their favorite sea slug and crawl down the main drag on their bellies,” Waite said. “Nudibranch, elysia, headshield, it doesn’t matter, so long as it’s recognizable as a sea slug. In addition to the trophy for best time, we’ll also have prizes for best costume and most-realistic costume.”
Participants were busy preparing outfits and practicing their technique.
“I’m using shredded wetsuits for my lettuce sea slug suit,” Jessie Catahoula said. “And of everything I’ve tried, I think doing ‘the worm’ down the asphalt’ll be the most efficient combination of propulsion and not getting scraped to hell. And to not finishing the race a bloody mess.”
Organizers noted the safety precautions in place.
“We’ll start the race first thing in the morning before the roadway gets too hot,” Doris Blenny said. “How long folks take to finish the course is up to them. We’ll also have Nurse Marissa standing by with first aid supplies to treat any scrapes, cuts and burns.
“The road’ll be blocked off between the store and Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort, for safety,” Blenny said. “The last thing we need is holiday crawlers getting hit by a car. Or even a bike. That’d be a P.R. nightmare for the island.”
The half-mile course will start at the airfield and finish at Sandy Bottoms.
“There’ll be food and live music at the finish line,” SBBR manager Kay Valve said. “We’ll be serving traditional stuffed conch and gravy, sea grape sauce, and sliced sea cucumbers. For music, there’ll be local favorites The Social Morays, Effing Zeagles, and Young Jacques and the Double Hose playing all day and into the night.”
The competition is open to anyone with a sea slug costume. Winners of the men’s and women’s divisions will receive the coveted Silver Sea Slug trophy. Finishers will receive complementary antibiotics, bandages and gauze.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, November 12, 2023
Temperature: 90
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Nah
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Elusive Kimono Dragons Reported On Blacktip Island
Blacktip Island residents have been warned to be on the lookout for marauding kimono dragons after repeated sightings of the large, kimono-draped monitor lizards and a rash of bathrobe thefts. (photo courtesy of musumemiyuki)
Blacktip Island wildlife authorities Wednesday announced a combination of recent large reptile sightings, along with the disappearance of multiple silk bathrobes, mean a population of rare kimono dragons has likely re-established itself on the small Caribbean Island.
“They’re like Komodo dragons, but not as well known,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “It’s a classic example of convergent evolution: two similar species developed independently to fill niches in unrelated ecosystems. Like American and European kestrels. In this case, they’re a closer relative to our iguanas than South Pacific monitor lizards.
“They’re not venomous, like their better-known look-alikes,” Schrader said. “They just have a taste for silk. They like to roll around in it, and it gets caught on their scales and hangs on them as if they’re wearing clothing. No one’s seen one in more than 100 years, but with these big lizard sightings, and the kimonos disappearing from local clothes lines, we’re certain they’re out there.”
Locals described the lizards in vivid terms.
“Just before sunset this little dinosaur—big as a iguana—strolled out underbrush and across the road, wrapped in a bright red silk something-or-other with pink and yellow flowers printed on it,” Linford Blenny said. “I didn’t know whether to run or laugh, so I just stood there and watched it. Disappeared in the brush on the other side, dragging a belt or sash or something behind it.”
Experts are seeking more definitive evidence of the lizards’ existence.
“We have game cameras set up all over the bluff, where most of the reports come from,” Tiperon University-Blacktip biology professor Ernesto Mojarra said. “We have cage traps, too, baited with fresh silk, but so far no luck.
“Old island tales say their main fare was sushi, so we’ve baited traps with that, too,” Mojarra said. “Ideally we can catch one alive, then kill it so we can study it. We have no idea if they’re dangerous, though there have been reports of them chasing small children and short adults.”
Tourism officials are monitoring the search closely.
“The worry is, if the kimono dragons are back, they’ll encourage the iguanas to start dressing up, too,” Chamber of Commerce president Harry ‘Scratcher’ Wrasse said. “Short term, that could be good or bad for our tourism product, depending on if they’re cross-dressing. But if the island runs out of kimonos, will they turn to bathrobes? Towels? No one’s laundry’ll be safe, and tourists’ll stay away in droves.”
The Marine Parks Department is encouraging residents to photograph and GPS waypoint any kimono dragon sightings.
“Blacktip’s fast becoming a cryptic megafauna hotspot,” Schrader said. “First the mersquatch, then the lusca, now this. It’s an exciting time to be alive.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, November 5, 2023
Temperature: 91
Humidity: 72%
Precipitation: Zero chance
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Anti-Christmas Music Parkour Launched On Blacktip Island
A group of Blacktip Island residents has banded together to create an extreme sport dedicated to hearing as little Christmas music—both live and recorded—as possible this holiday season. (photo courtesy of Shiraz Chakera)
A group of Christmas-music opponents on Blacktip Island this week announced the creation of what they term the new extreme sport of avoiding all forms of holiday music for as long as possible in order to preserve their mental health.
“It’s not a war on Christmas, just Christmas songs,” Jessie Catahoula said. “It’s about self preservation, really. All Christmas music, all the time, drives people bug nutty. The goal is to not hear any sort of holiday music from now through December 26. It’s a sport because it’ll require a lot of running, vaulting and diving out of windows. It’s extreme because we’ll be doing it non-stop for the next seven weeks.
“It’s not possible to completely avoid Christmas music, but as competitors, we’ll dodge it as much as we possibly can,” Catahoula said. “We know the challenge’ll get progressively more difficult the closer we get to Christmas. Headphones and ear plugs will be de rigueur, as will pressing your hands to your ears and yelling, ‘la la la la.”’
Participants say there will be no physical trophy for the winner.
“It’s all about bragging rights, end of the day,” Cal Batten said. “And staying sane. Honestly, it’ll be damn-near impossible to not hear Christmas music, but it’ll minimize the exposure so no one’ll go to jail for assault. That happened to Dermott Bottoms last year the 18th time he heard that damn Mariah Carey song. He tore king hell out of the Sand Spit bar and sent three people to the medical clinic.
“People want to listen to that ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ dreck non-stop, that’s their choice,” Batten said. “But we have the right to not be tortured by it, and avoiding it by any means possible is our choice. If that means me doing a constant parkour routine for the next two months, it’s totally worth it.”
Others stressed the activity’s positive secondary benefits.
“You won’t see me in a bar ‘til New Years, so that’ll kill my booze intake,” Alison Diesel said. “I’m also getting food delivered so I don’t have to go into Peachy’s store. That means my calorie load’ll drop way off, so I’ll lose weight. If a steady stream of holiday music fills my life with lemons, I’m damn sure making lemonade out of it.”
A group of Christmas music afficionados has launched a program to combat the new sport.
“We put big-ass speakers on top of the church steeple to spread Christmas joy as far and wide as possible,” Blacktip Non-Denominational Church pastor Rev. Pierre Grunt said. “We’ll blast out Christmas music all day and night, kind of like a mosque’s call to prayer. We’re putting underwater speakers on the reef, too, so we can reach scuba divers.
“People have to understand this is the happiest time of the year,” Grunt said. “Folks can’t escape it. They can run and hide all they want, but they’ll enjoy this music and be happy, even if we have to cram it down their throats.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, October 29, 2023
Temperature: 92
Humidity: 73%
Precipitation: Unlikely
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Blacktip Island Prepares For Day of the Dead Festivities
Jessie Catahoula (left) and Hugh Calloway won last year’s Day of the Dead costume contest at Blacktip Island’s Heritage House. The small Caribbean island’s residents will celebrate the day all day Tuesday. (photo courtesy of 5chw4r7z)
Blacktip Island residents will spend this weekend preparing for Tuesday’s island-wide Day of the Dead celebrations, the post-Halloween day of remembrance honoring loved ones who have passed away.
“It’s a-historical, but it’s become a thing here the last few years,” the former Reverend Jerrod Ephesians, Blacktip Island Ecumenical Council president, said. “It’s a combination of older Taino tribal influences, West African traditions of escaped slaves and rituals of Spanish navy deserters. They all had the same general idea, so we just mashed them together. It really pulls the community together, regardless of backgrounds.
“All the events and festivities will be in memory of our friends, family and forebearers,” Ephesians said. “The night will end with a vigil at the island cemetery. Truth be told, though, it’s also an excuse to get dead drunk. That’s why it became so popular so fast. This is Blacktip, after all.”
Residents say the remembrances go beyond friends and family.
“The two main Taino gods were the booby bird god and the land crab goddess,” Donna Requin said. “No one remembers their names, so we just call them Fred and Ethyl. During the festivities people snack on gingerbread iguanas and spun-sugar land crabs. The frigate birds get nothing. They’re a-holes.”
Numerous activities will accompany the Day of the Dead-themed food.
“There’ll be costume parades, a tall-tale-telling contest and dancing. Lots of dancing,” Doris Blenny said. “All of it centers around the idea that any of us could die any time. Like Joey Pompano did last year during the final drink-off at the cemetery.
“Folks’re encouraged to dress up like skeletons, as best they can,” Blenny said. “Peachy’s store’s already sold out of pool noodles. And garden hoses. And white paint and black cloth. It’s appropriate attire since the night ends with those still conscious getting drunk at the cemetery and passing out. To honor the dead, of course.”
Locally-produced coconut mead will be provided by monks from St. Dervil’s singing iguana monastery.
“Our coconut mead is the libation of choice on the Day of the Dead,” Father Poppy Bottoms said. “A couple of shots of that, you’ll be by-God communing with the dead. In a good way. We do encourage all celebrants to eat heartily before and during the festivities.”
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The Blacktip Times 