Category Archives: Writing

Skeet Shooters Clash With Shoppers Over Delivery Drones

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A delivery drone similar to the ones being targeted on Blacktip Island. (photo by X-Javier)

 

The Blacktip Island Trap and Skeet Club’s recent use of online delivery drones as targets has sparked a bitter feud with island shoppers.

“Clay pigeons get pricey, when we can get them,” club president B.C. Flote said. “We lucked onto this, though, and it’s been a blast.

“First time was a mistake. Ol’ Doc Plank saw one of those things coming in low over the range, thought it was part of the sporting clay session, and blew it to bejesus. From there we were off and running.”

Customers awaiting drone deliveries on the isolated Caribbean island are not amused.

“It’s hard enough to get supplies on Blacktip,” resident Corry Anders said. “These drones were a godsend. Now our stuff’s getting blown away left and right. What is wrong with these people?”

Conservationists are up in arms as well.

“They’re blazing away at anything that flies – frigate birds, boobies, ospreys, even a flamingo,” said Waterfowl Warrior spokesperson Harry Pickett. “These are protected species, and they’re being blown to smithereens.”

Club members, however, are enthusiastic.

“It’s brilliant,” shooter Lee Helm said. “You order some knickknack online, prang it before it can land, then decline payment for non-delivery. You have to wait four to six business days for a target, but it’s free.”

“The coast is eat-up with sport shooters,” Flote said. “Some folks are even anchoring offshore in skiffs, or bobbing in scuba gear to get first crack at drones flying low under the radar. Right now, Blacktip Island has a tighter air defense system than North Korea.

“And the so-called flamingo incident was actually a delivery of pink feather boas,” Flote said. “No harm done there. We tell our folks, ‘if it’s flapping, let it pass,’ and they generally comply.”

Island shoppers like Anders, however, angered by lost deliveries, have launched a grassroots response aimed at ensuring the safe arrival of their goods.

“We’re bombarding the shooting blinds,” Anders said. “Hunting the hunters. As soon as a shooter raises a gun, we pelt them with coconuts. It’s crude, but effective. This would have been a bleak Christmas if it weren’t for our coconut barrages. They can’t shoot if they’re unconscious on the sand.

“It’s an all-for-one, united-we-stand situation. The goods you save may be your own.”

Island shooting enthusiasts have responded by donning bicycle helmets and wrapping themselves in beach towels for protection.

“It’s become a real cat-and-mouse game,” Flote said, “with us trying to get a clean shot and the shoppers trying to whack us. It takes the sport to a whole new level that I think benefits both sides.”

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St. Dervil’s Fever Sweeps Blacktip Island

A likeness of St. Dervil from the present-day Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral.

A likeness of St. Dervil from the present-day Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral.

Blacktip Island is bracing for today’s 441st St. Dervil’s Day festivities, honoring St. Dervil of the Iguanas, patron Saint of scuba diving and iguana husbandry.

A Rosicrucian monk fleeing colonial authorities, Dervil landed on Blacktip Island in 1542.

“He built the island’s first monastery from conch shells, coral rock and marl mortar,” island historian and museum curator Smithson Altschul said. “Dervil tried to remove himself from the secular world, but good luck with that on this island, even back then.

“His first documented miracle was driving all the Caribbean saltwater crocodiles from the island,” Altschul said. “He did it in a drunken haze, but it saved the islanders, who were on the verge of being eaten out of house and home.”

A study in contrast, Dervil also raised iguanas in his one-room monastery.

“He was barking mad,” Altschul said. “He lived with dozens of rock iguanas. Called them his monks. Tried to teach them Gregorian chants. But he had banished the man-eating crocs, so he was golden with the locals.

“The coconut mead he brewed helped gild that lily as well. Dervil first served it at Communion when he ran out of wine. That proved so popular he started offering Communion four, five times a day. Then he cut out the services altogether and just served mead. He eventually converted the monastery’s storehouse into a tavern.”

Dervil’s ministry was cut short December 27, 1557 when Norse raiders, blown off course on their way to Greenland, sacked the monastery. The church bestowed sainthood in 1572, making St. Dervil the Tiperon Islands’ first, and only, martyr.

“Several of the iguanas that died with him were up for sainthood, too,” Altschul added. “Church politics got in the way of that, though.”

Modern observances focus on Dervil’s life rather than his death.

“He was a raging drunk, so the celebration centers on everyone wearing paper mitre caps, getting absolutely potted and trying to catch iguanas,” event organizer Jay Valve said. “The last one standing gets to wear the iguana-skin mitre in the coming year.”

The highlight of the day, as ever, will be the mead brew-off, with residents trying to reproduce Dervil’s original mead recipe, lost when the Norsemen torched the island. Some are more successful than others.

“We’ve had some brews that tasted quite heavenly,” Valve said. “Most just smell of old socks. Or worse. The good news is Led Waite, our master of ceremonies, has his sight back after judging last year’s entries, so he’s good to go.”

The winner of the brew-off will receive an iguana.

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Blacktip Island Gets Artificial Reef

A model aircraft carrier used in the film “Tomcats of Fury” is one of the ships slated to be sunk as an artificial reef.

A model aircraft carrier used in the film “Tomcats of Fury” is one of the ships slated to be sunk as an artificial reef.

In keeping with the trend of sinking retired ships to create artificial reefs, model warships used in numerous Hollywood films will be sunk off Blacktip Island’s west coast this week to create the island’s first artificial reef.

“They’re small, sure, but there’s a lot of them,” Director of Tourism Val Schrader said. “It may not be as dramatic as the artificial reefs in, say, Florida or the Cayman Islands, where they used full-sized ships, but we’re tickled pink nonetheless. Some islands larger than us don’t have an artificial reef at all.”

The plan has drawn protests from veterans groups, environmental organizations and cinematic professionals.

“If these craft aren’t properly cleaned, they could wreak havoc on incredibly fragile reef systems,” Harry Pickett of the Pelagic Society said. “One drop of airplane glue can wipe out a 1,000-year-old coral head. And they’re talking about dropping dozens of these things out there.”

Minnie Bilder, head of the Screen Propmakers Guild, voiced concern as well.

“These vessels have had long, dignified careers,” Bilder said. “They’re stars. They deserve better than to be chucked off a dive boat by a bunch of Jacques Cousteau wannabes building an amusement park.”

Schrader countered both objections.

“These models have been cleaned according to the highest international standards,” she said. “And we’re not going to just toss them overboard to settle willy-nilly on the coral. They’ll be taken down individually, with full honors, and placed on the sand in a dignified manner.

“This is win-win-win. The wrecks will attract divers to the island’s resorts, and the underwater structures will provide homes for fish and other marine creatures. It’s a boon for the economy and the ecosystem, and also allows the movie studios to free up warehouse storage space.

“We’re especially excited at the prospect of these ships providing homes for juvenile Goliath grouper,” Schrader said.”

Dives done on the miniature wrecks will count toward NAUI and PADI Miniature Wreck Diving specialty certifications.

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Island Holiday Lights Resurrected

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Blacktip Island’s religious factions have put aside their quarrels in time to resurrect the community’s traditional holiday light display.

“We’ve been working on a compromise for months, but the devil’s been in the details,” said the former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians, head of the island’s Interfaith Committee.

The display historically has been a source of friction among the Caribbean island’s diverse religious groups. Formerly referred to as Christmas lights, the name was changed in hopes of avoiding a repeat of 2012’s holiday riots, Ephesians said.

“Last year the Raëlians set the tree on fire the second night it was up,” Ephesians said. “When the Catholic Defense League retaliated, things went to hell right quick.

“This year, in the spirit of ecumenical good will, we’ve done away with the physical tree completely. But we all agreed the lights by themselves were quite lovely, so we kept those.”

In the absence of a tree, the light strands have been suspended from a small remote-controlled helicopter, donated by island scuba operators, at Diddley’s Landing public pier.

“We’ll light one strand at a time, an additional strand each night, during Hanukkah, after which people will be free to view them as non-denominational Christmas lights,” Ephesians said.

The display will also serve as site of the Winter Solstice celebration December 21 and Kwanzaa December 26 through January 1.

“Atheists are welcome to view the lights however they see fit, or to ignore them altogether,” Ephesians said.

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Island Players To Stage Hollywood Classic

(Photo by Ebdon)

(Photo by Ebdon)

The Blacktip Island Community Players will perform ‘Tora! Tora! Tora!’ December 6 – January 2 in their annual Fall Extravaganza. The production stars Payne Hanover as Adm. William ‘Bull’ Halsey, Clete Horn as Cmdr. Minoru Genada and Miss Marina DeLow as Adm. Isoroku Yamamoto.

“We are blessed by the quality and vibrancy of the amateur acting community on the island,” director Doris Blenny said. “This production truly showcases that talent.

“We are also appreciative of the efforts of island residents in collecting land crabs for use as Japanese attack squadrons. This production wouldn’t be possible without their help.”

As is de rigueur for the BICP, the production promises to be a visual spectacle.

“We’ve been practicing the big torpedo bombing scene for weeks now, and everyone’s pretty banged up,” Hanover said. “It’ll all be worthwhile when that curtain comes up, though, and we see those 15, 20 eager faces in the audience ducking for cover.”

Proceeds from the play will go to Habitat for Humanity of Blacktip Island.

Theatre-goers are reminded alcohol will not be served before the performance or during intermission in light of this summer’s ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ incident. Purses and backpacks will be searched at the door.

In related news, volunteers are needed the next two weekends to help with roofing, drywalling and repainting the playhouse.

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