Sunday, January 8, 2023
Precipitation: Passing us by
Sunday, January 8, 2023
Precipitation: Passing us by
‘Stumbling Path’ Maoist guerrillas, intent on overthrowing Blacktip Island’s government, continued their advance on the small tropical island’s populous center Friday, with the stated intent of taking over all the island’s media outlets, island officials said.
“They came charging down off the southern bluff with no warning, hollering about little red books and revolution,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “The only government we have here’s me and Constable Marquette, so I don’t really get it. Frankly, I think their real motive’s free beer.
“Booger Bottoms’s the main instigator, and he said flat-out he wants to grab all the media outlets to silence us and get his message out,” Cobia said. “They already took the radio and TV towers. We’re hoping the Blacktip Times can hold off long enough for reinforcements to get here from Tiperon.”
The insurgents have left a trail of destruction behind them.
“They’re cleaning out bars and liquor cabinets as they come,” Civil Defense Force leader Payne Hanover said. “We’ve got our local militia members, armed with sticks and beer bottles, on both rows to slow their advance. No idea how long we can keep them at bay. They’ve got us outnumbered, but we’re leaving booze behind as we retreat, hoping they’ll all pass out eventually.”
It is unclear how long the terrorists can be held at bay and the local media safeguarded. The Tiperon governor has promised addit
Sunday, January 1, 2023
Precipitation: On the way
Members of the Blacktip Island Literary Society will recite poems-on-request at this year’s New Year’s Eve extravaganza at Sandy Bottoms Beach Resort Saturday night in what society members are calling ‘Rhyme in the New Year.’
“We thought we’d make poetry relatable to everyone,” BILS president Doris Blenny said. “Poetry shouldn’t be some stuffy, unapproachable mystery. It’s part of our everyday lives, what with song lyrics and limericks and such. Our goal is to emphasize that.
“We’ll have members wandering through the party crowd offering to recite short poems—say, a Shakespeare sonnet—on any requested subject for anyone, or any group, for $5,” Blenny said. “We’ll be wearing bright orange shirts so people know who we are. Any theme is fair game, though we urge partygoers to avoid the more risqué topics until later in the evening. All the money we raise will go to charity. Mostly.”
Society members have been reviewing a wide variety of poems to prepare for the evening.
“Anything for Chaucer to Amanda Gorman’s fair game, and we’re ready for anything,” Ernestine Bass said. “It’s mostly in English, though some members specialize in other languages. Payne Hanover’s got a thing for Baudelaire and Rimbaud. And ‘Tonio Fletcher does love his Basho in the original Japanese.
“There’s also the option of requesting longer poems for an upcharge,” Bass said. Anything longer than an alexandrine’ll be $10, and even longer works’ll be $15. Jessie Catahoula’s been busy memorizing ‘The Wasteland’ just in case.”
Residents were looking forward to the event.
“It’s something different, isn’t it?” Chrissy Graysby said. “It’ll be lovely to start the new year with a bit of culture. It’ll set the tone for the year, I should say. Though who one chooses to recite is key. Lee Helm has such a beautiful speaking voice, but Dermott Bottoms, bless him, has a monotone drone. And mumbles. Though that may be beneficial with some of the more avant-garde selections.”
The BILS is also staging a raffle, with the randomly-chosen winner earning the role of a character in an upcoming Society member’s work.
“It may seem like a minor thing, but it makes art a bit more accessible if someone you know is in it,” Blenny said. “We’ve had a good bit of positive feedback on the concept and expect a lot of participation.”
Literary-themed snacks will be served at the party. Proceeds will, for the most part, go to the establishment of the Blacktip Island public library.
Sunday, December 25, 2022
Precipitation: Santa brought clear skies and calm seas
Unidentified thieves Wednesday night stole the steeple roof and cross from the Our Lady of Blacktip cathedral, leaving church officials and local residents baffled as to the motivation.
“I came to prep for mass Thursday morning, and the cross was just gone,” Father Audley Crossblesser said. “I ran all around the outside of the church to see if it had fallen, but there was no sign of it. To do something like that this time of year, that’s Satan’s work.
“This is shaping up to be the saddest Christmas in memory,” Crossblesser said. “First the iguanas maul the carolers, now somebody’s stolen our cross. And added to that, it’s supposed to rain this weekend. We’ve got a big blue tarp, blessed by the bishop, but it’ll be pure hell hauling that thing up there and anchoring it down.”
The Blacktip Island Ecumenical Council was united in denouncing the act.
“We condemn this attack on a religious building, on behalf of all faiths on the island. Or lack thereof,” BIEC chair former-Reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “Someone went out their way to play Scrooge.
“Our guess is it’s the work of an organized anti-Christmas group,” Ephesians said. “There’s no way one person did that, and it took a good bit of planning. We’re tracking down all cranes and other heavy equipment on the island capable of pulling off something like this. And there’s been no ransom note. Yet.”
Many on the island were quick to point fingers.
“It had to be the atheists,” Chrissy Graysby said. “They’re definitely anti-holiday. It wouldn’t take much for some of them to go into Grinch-mode and steal everything to do with Christmas. I’m sleeping next to my tree with a baseball bat the next few nights in case they come for my Christmas stuff.”
Island atheists denied the charge.
“Why would we waste our time and energy on stealing a giant cross?” Angela Fisher said. “We had nothing to do with the theft. We just ignore Christmas, like we do every year. You ask me, they ought to be questioning those druids and pagans up on the north end. They have a real vendetta against Christianity.”
Others had more far-fetched theories.
“The way that steeple always leaned to one side, said for years it was a missile silo,” Antonio Fletcher said. “There was flashing lights and a big boom Wednesday night. Woke me up. My guess is they fired that missile at Cuba when everybody was asleep.”
Father Crossblesser belayed that theory.
“The flashing lights and booming Wednesday night were from a passing storm,” he said. “Our Lady of Blacktip has never had, nor ever will have, missiles stored in it. Not big ones, anyway. Though I’d love to take a missile to the backside of whatever heathen did this.
“Our short-term goal is raising funds to ransom our cross back. Or, if that falls through, for rebuilding the steeple and replacing the cross. We’ll build it back better. And weld that sucker on to make it impossible to steal.”
Sunday, December 18, 2022
Precipitation: Not a chance