Category Archives: Caribbean

Blacktip Island Reefs Overwhelmed By Anemone Lickers

anemone licking

Blacktip Island’s reefs have become a hot spot for scuba divers licking sea anemones for their hallucinogenic effects. (photo courtesy of Bernard Spragg)

Blacktip Island reefs this week became ground zero for scuba divers engaging in the controversial new practice of sea-anemone licking, prompting a swift response from island officials.

“These whackadoos are out there licking anemones to get a buzz,” Marine Parks spokesperson Val Schrader said. “It’s a twist on the toad licking that was all the rage years ago. Problem is, it’s damaging our reefs and aquatic life. Every time one of these yahoos touches an anemone, or the coral around it, they’re doing irreparable damage to the underwater ecosystem.

“This is a marine park, not an opium den,” Schrader said. “We fine them when we catch them, but they don’t care. We’ve located all the anemones in the park and installed security cameras and motion detectors around them. We’re also doing random patrols during non-peak hours to catch any lickers who sneak in from shore.”

Anemone afficionados were not deterred.

“The purple anemones are the best,” said a diver who requested anonymity. “First you feel the tingle from the stinging cells, then WHAM, you’re buzzing from the tip of your tongue to the tips of your toes. One second you’re taking your reg out, the next you’re just grooving along with all the groupers.

“Now, with all the blue shirts trying to shut us down, it’s getting tougher to get to the anemones,” the diver said. “We’ve had to branch out, find anemones outside the marine park, at more remote sites. The optimum depth’s 40-50 feet, but some are shallow enough for swimmers and snorkelers to get to.”

Island health officials say the practice has created a local health crisis.

“Anemone toxins are fairly mild, but some people are allergic to them,” Island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “I’m already critically low on epi-pens to treat lickers in shock. This is a small medical clinic, and these people are taking vital resources from people who truly need them.

“There’ve been no fatalities so far, somehow,” Graysby said. “Being sensory impaired 60 feet underwater is not a healthy thing to be. It’s only a matter of time before someone has a seizure and drowns.”

Authorities are implementing new regulations to discourage the anemone licking.

“The Island Council pushed through new, stiffer fines for anyone caught abusing sea anemones,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “We’ve also begun mandatory post-dive tongue inspections to identify divers who’ve licked anemones. You surface with a red, swollen tongue, you’re going to the jail and will be significantly poorer. This isn’t that kind of island.”

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Blacktip Island Weather

69

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Temperature: 95

Humidity: 73%

Precipitation: Definite potential

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Blacktip Island’s New Floating Cars Will Offset Flood Risks

floating cars

A Blacktip Island entrepreneur has announced plans to manufacture amphibious automobiles, modeled loosely on World War II-era amphibious DUKW boats, to fight climate-change induced flooding. (photo courtesy of Sue Nami)

A Blacktip Island inventor announced plans Wednesday to begin manufacturing buoyant cars in an effort to combat damage caused by climate change-induced flooding.

“Every time you turn on the news you see cars getting washed away in massive floods,” Sue Nami said. “With all these climate changes, disastrous flash floods are becoming the norm. But with a Float-O-Bil, you won’t have to worry about losing your vehicle. When flood waters rise, so will your ride.

“They’ll also be equipped with sensors that’ll inflate a tube around the car, so it won’t get damaged bashing into anything,” Nami said. “When water hits the center of the axle—POOF—an airbag deploys around the car. An anchor’ll be standard, too, so motorists don’t have to be worried about washing away completely. We can’t stop floods, but we can out-maneuver them.”

Residents say the cars will be beneficial, even without flash floods.

“We get a good, heavy rain for a few days, the roads flood,” Lefty Wright said. “That causes all kind of problems ‘cause folks can’t get to and from work. Just last week, when the pond overflowed from normal rain, Dermott Bottoms hit a tarpon driving in to work. With one of these new cars, that wouldn’t have happened, and Dermott would’ve been spared an awkward conversation with his insurance agent.”

Local climate researchers lauded the Float-O-Bil.

“As floods become more common, vehicles like this’ll become standard,” Tiperon University-Blacktip climate sciences professor Goby Graysby said. “We’ll be seeing these all over the world. It’ll drive auto insurance rates down, too. Sure, they’ll cost more up front, but they’ll pay for themselves over time.”

Environmental activists, however, were skeptical.

“This is a Pollyana-esque idea that’s in no way practical,” Coral Reef Aquatic Protectors president Harry Pickett said. “It’ll take years just to build the factory, then more years to produce the cars—which are dubious, at best. Why not take all that energy and money and put it into flood prevention? And stop building in flood-prone zones.”

Nami brushed aside those concerns.

“Harry’s stuck in the past,” she said. “We have to focus on the future, and the future is all about amphibious vehicles. It’s not as far-fetched as Harry makes it sound—there’s still amphibious Duck boats from World War II in service. And constructing the factory and building cars’ll create a ton of new jobs on the island. There’s no down side to this.

“We also have plans to develop up-market models with means of propulsion,” Nami said. “Top-of-the-market will have a small propeller that’ll deploy off the transmission. Lower-priced models with come with either oars or paddles, whichever the customer prefers. And if the Float-O-Bil is a success, we’ll look into building floating houses.”

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Catch a Wave, and You’re Sittin’ on Top of the World

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Blacktip Island Weather

68

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Temperature: 94

Humidity: 74%

Precipitation: Elsewhere

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Blacktip Island Activists Snatch Banned Books From Heritage House

banned books

Blacktip Island’s Heritage House book-lending library has fewer offerings today after a pair of concerned citizens removed multiple titles included on various internet banned books lists. (photo courtesy of Energyme)

An ad-hoc committee of two concerned Blacktip Island residents seized dozens of books from the island’s Heritage House lending library Wednesday afternoon, claiming the titles were included on multiple banned book lists.

“It was the darndest thing,” Heritage House docent Doris Blenny said. “Rusty Goby and Ginger Bass just stormed in. Rusty started shouting out titles from a printed list, while Ginger snatched those books off the shelves. They filled two dive bags, then charged back out the door and roared away on their scooters.

“It’s a shame, since so many people—locals and visitors alike—rely on our book-swap program for reading materials,” Blenny said. “Common courtesy when one takes a book without leaving one in its place is to leave a dollar. They just ran off without leaving anything, yelling about corrupt books corrupting island.”

Island authorities say little can be done.

“It’s a lending library, where people voluntarily swap used books at no charge,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “No law has been broken, since, technically, nothing was stolen. True, this committee of two has no legal standing or authority, but neither does a room filled with free books. Now, if they set them on fire in a way that threatens property or structures, then I can act. They’ve been banned from the premises, and that’s hopefully the end of it.”

Committee members said the book confiscation was a long time coming.

“Blacktip has become an irreverent society, and the availability of these suspect books feeds that,” Rusty Goby said. “Our coral’s bleaching, we’re swamped in sargassum and our children are smart-mouthed, all because these books have been passed around without thought. They’re on that banned list for a reason. As soon as we get rid of them, we can get back to a normal life.

“We also grabbed a bunch of comic books that weren’t on the list, but ought to be,” Goby said. “Men and women running around in Spandex, so everyone can see their business, it’s obscene. We can’t reason with folks, so we just have to do what’s best for them.”

Bass noted multiple classics were among the seized books.

“We got ‘A Wrinkle in Time’ first. That was a no-brainer,” she said. “We also got that ‘Mockingbird’ book, ‘cause it’s got ‘tequila’ in its title, ‘Brave New World’ for promoting communism and socialism and fascism, and ‘The Handmaid’s Tale,’ since it’s got people in tizzies these days.

“Took every copy of the ‘Bible,’ too, ‘cause there’s stories in there that’re absolutely filthy,” Bass added. “And we’ll be burning all the copies of ‘Fahrenheit 451’ this weekend, to let people know we mean business.”

Most residents were unconcerned.

“Rusty and Ginger are both whack-a-doos,” resident Donna Requin said. “They’ll take their meds, calm down and bring all the books back. Personally, I think Rusty took the books home to read without folks knowing he borrowed them, and without them showing up on his browser history.”

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The Morning Commute

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Blacktip Island Weather

67

Sunday, September 17, 2023

Temperature: 96

Humidity: 73%

Precipitation: Let it rain

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Blacktip Island Flare Disposal Devolves Into Shootout

flare battle
Outdated flare disposal by rival Blacktip Island dive staffs erupted into a flare-gun shootout Thursday evening, injuring multipe participants. (photo courtesy of Krzysztof Burghardt)

Five Blacktip Island residents were arrested, and eight were sent to the small Caribbean island’s medical clinic Thursday evening, after two Blacktip Island dive staffs engaged in a flare-gun shootout while disposing of their outdated signal flares.

“Eagle Ray Divers and Club Scuba Doo each decided to get rid of their expired emergency signal flares after work,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Problem was, they disposed of the flares by shooting them off instead of just throwing them away. Both staffs were on the beach, within hailing distance of each other. One thing led to another, and the two groups started throwing hand-held flares back and forth.

“Things escalated when both sides switched to flare guns,” Marquette said. “Those things have range and velocity. Divemasters on both sides took direct hits and sustained significant injuries. Five of them are in the island jail on assault and use off offensive weapons charges.”

Locals say the shootout was not completely unexpected.

“There’s no love lost between the two staffs,” Wendy Beaufort said. “The resorts are right next to each other, and the staffs are always jockeying for the best dive sites. Putting both groupss that close to each other, then arming them, that was disaster waiting to happen.”

It was not immediately clear who started the shooting.

“Finn Kiick over at CSD popped off the first flare-gun round,” Eagle Ray Divers’ Alison Diesel said. “He and Gage Hoase got semi-aggro last week, and the shot was Finn’s ballistic eff you that whacked Gage smack in the head. Gage responded in kind.”

Kiick disputed that narrative.

“I was laughing at Lee Helm trying to throw hand-helds with his little noodle arms,” Kiick said from the island jail. “He got all butt-hurt and shot a flare at me. I just returned fire. Hitting Gage was an accident—those plastic pistols aren’t built for accuracy.”

Multiple island residents witnessed the fire fight.

“We had just taken the kiddos down to the beach when the shooting started,” Jodi Hamlet said. “We high-tailed it back under the palm trees so’s not to be caught in the crossfire. My little ones stayed busy putting out fires in the downed palm fronds. It was really quite lovely. From a safe distance.”

The island’s medical clinic was overwhelmed.

“We only have the one examination table, a couple of chairs and limited supplies,” nurse Marissa Graysby said. “With seven, eight patients needing medical attention, I had to lie them on the floor for treatment. Most have varying degrees of phosphorus burns, and several severe contusions from direct hits. I’m completely out of unguent and bandages.”

Constable Marquette instituted new flare disposal protocols.

“Flare gun privileges have been revoked for a more than a dozen individuals,” he said. “And a mandatory fire and firearm safety class is scheduled for all island dive staff.

“Also, going forward, flare guns may be used only on a boat, and only in actual emergencies,” he said. “You wouldn’t think it needed to be said, yet here we are.”

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Dolphin Day! Yay!

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