Category Archives: Caribbean
Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, March 3, 2024
Temperature: 77
Humidity: 59%
Precipitation: Not even a little
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Blacktip Island Awash With Competitive Wetsuit Peeing
Black tip Island dive boats have become a smelly arena this week due to scuba diving guests attempting to out-stink each other by urinating in their wetsuits. (photo by Wendy Beaufort / BTT staff)
What started as an impromptu demonstration about the pitfalls of urinating in wetsuits devolved into a competition on Blacktip Island’s dive boats this week, with scuba guests attempting to create the most offensive smell during their dives.
“We were explaining why peeing in your wetsuit isn’t the best thing to do,” Eagle Ray Divers’ divemaster Gage Hoase said. “I mentioned how the ammonia in urine reacts with neoprene to create a funky, wet-goat-meets-moldy-mattress smell, and one of our guests said, ‘That’s nothing. You should smell mine.’ From there things got out of hand.
“Instead of peeing in their wetsuit less, divers are now peeing more,” Hoase said. “Big picture, when you pee in wetsuits you’re encasing yourself in urine. Some people like that. I’m not casting stones. There’s probably websites for that. But when you climb back on the boat, gravity takes over and it runs all over our decks and carpets. Now our divers are making that worse.”
Other dive professionals were critical of the demonstration.
“These are dive guests. And human beings. Of course things got competitive,” ERD divemaster Marina DeLow said. “Problem is, it didn’t stay confined to Gage’s boat. Within a few days, divers on all the boats at all the resorts had joined in. It’s like a bunch of third-graders having a farting competition, but ranker. And we have to walk, and stand, in their stale urine.
“It’s hard to be on the dive boats these days, the smell’s so bad,” DeLow said. “We keep hoping it’ll run its course, but so far, no luck. Gage should have known something like this would happen. I’m holding him totally responsible for this, and I cuss at him at the dock while I scrub the decks twice a day.”
Divers, meanwhile, are experimenting with different strategies to remain competitive.
“Single-malt scotch works the best for a real peaty funk,” Eagle Ray Cove guest Buddy Brunnez said. “Pickle juice’s also a solid go-to. People’ve had good results with stout beer, too. The real trick is to make sure you’re good and dehydrated. That really brings out the stench. I get hammered the night before, then piss away in my suit the next day.”
The island nurse urged divers to stop the practice.
“Number one, urine is not sterile, no matter what random websites say,” nurse Marissa Graysby said. “Diaper rash, anyone? And if you’re wearing a hood, urine is getting into your ears and can give you some nasty otitis.
“But the biggest concern is all these idiots purposely dehydrating themselves when they need to do the exact opposite. Dehydrated divers are much more susceptible to decompression sickness. It’s a wonder we haven’t sent anyone to the recompression chamber. And I’ve had to rehydrate so many, I’m almost out of Ringer’s lactate IV.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
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Sunday, February 25, 2024
Temperature: 82
Humidity: 64%
Precipitation: Fair winds and following seas
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Protests Halt Blacktip Island Phone Booth Removal
Blacktip Island’s mid-1980s-era pay phone booth was saved from destruction Thursday when a group of community activists protested its removal on the grounds of its place in the small Caribbean island’s cultural heritage. (photo courtesy of Leah Shore)
An impromptu protest by tens of Blacktip Island residents Thursday halted the scheduled removal of the small Caribbean island’s sole remaining public pay phone booth.
“That booth’s part of our heritage, part of our history,” island historian Smithson Atchul said. “Been on the island since before I was born. It’s a neighbor. I made my first prank call from that booth. Asked out my first date from there, too.
“Back in the day, when most folks didn’t have phone lines, they’d line up to use that booth,” Altschul said. “It was part of the glue that held the community together. No, it hasn’t worked in years, but that’s not the point. For Blacktip, it’s an icon. Something to tell our kids stories about.”
Island officials say the proposed removal was part of an island beautification plan.
“That thing’s been rotting there for years. Decades, even,” island mayor Jack Cobia said. “It’s an eyesore, and makes us look like a laughingstock to island visitors. It needs to go so we can embrace the future. If the phone booth stays, what’s next, putting all our old fax machines on display?”
Legal experts say the removal was legally problematic.
“Wanting the booth gone is all well and good, but the question is who has the authority to remove it?” local attorney Harriet Bottoms said. “Technically, it’s still the property of the phone company. Sure, that company went out of business with the rise of cellular communication, but that corporate entity still owns the booth. For the island council to take unilateral action could lead to years of legal proceedings. Which is what the protestors focused on.”
Many locals supported the protest.
“It’s a symbol of Blacktip, like the Eiffel Tower is to Paris, or Big Ben is to London,” protestor Leah Shore said. “Tourists love having their photos taken with it. Tearing it down, hauling it to the dump, does no one any good. And how much would that removal cost? Why not put that money toward something positive?
“Some of us are working on a plan to restore the booth,” Shore said. “We’re going to clean all the corrosion from it, replace the missing glass, and, if we can find one, replace the receiver to give it a like-new look. We may even install external lights to illuminate it at night, and colored LED lights inside. Whether it’s a functional phone is beside the point. This is a matter of community pride.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Temperature: 86
Humidity: 61%
Precipitation: Not a chance
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Most-Boring Blacktip Islander Vote Set For Today
With his incessant talk about everyday life in ancient Egypt, Edwin Chubb has been voted Blacktip Island’s Most Boring Person of the Year for the past seven years. Chubb is the odds-on favorite to win today’s vote. (illustration courtesy of the Painter of the burial chamber of Sennedjem)
Blacktip Island residents will vote today to choose the small Caribbean island’s Most Boring Person of the Year, the annual contest aimed at improving mental health on the island.
“There’s folks on Blacktip who’ll drive you crazy without half trying,” vote supervisor Kay Valve said. “The point of the vote is to identify the worst culprit so folks can avoid them. We do this once a year to make sure we’ve got the worst current offender properly identified.
“Once we’ve quantified who the most boring person is, people can better avoid them,” Valve said. “Years ago, I bolted out the Tail Spinner’s back door mid-dinner when Harry Blenny walked in. If it weren’t for the vote, I wouldn’t have known the danger and he’d have talked my ear off about curling.”
Edwin Chubb has won the contest for the last seven years straight.
“The Edwin, he looks so innocuous,” Donna Requin said. “Then he corners you and goes on and on and on about life in ancient Egypt and hieroglyphics. It’s mind numbing, and usually devolves into him asking you trivia questions about Egyptian gods and such. Frankly, I gotta figure he’s the odds-on favorite to win again this year.”
Others, though, aimed to seize the title from Chubb.
“I’ve been talking to people about my stamp collection for the past year,” Wade Soote said. “Not rare ones, just every day, Tiperon postage stamps. I like to see how many of each I can get my hands on. I sort them into piles in the evenings, while I have my milk and digestive crackers, then count how many of each I have.
“I’m especially fond of the post-card stamps,” Soote said. “You don’t see very many of them these days, and they have such lovely colors. Sometimes I purchase a sheet or two just because. I don’t understand why no one seems interested in them—they’re infinitely fascinating. And I know I’m in the running to win because of all the people pointedly avoiding me.”
Votes will be tallied at the island’s Heritage House at 5 p.m. The winner will receive the traditional ‘Run Away! I’m That Boring! t-shirt and be banned from island bars for a week. Runners up will receive ‘I’m Boring, Too’ shirts and a three-day ban.
Island authorities say they will be alert for attempted ballot box stuffing and other forms of election fraud.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Sunday, February 11, 2024
Temperature: 83
Humidity: 62%
Precipitation: Wear (reef-safe) sunscreen
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The Blacktip Times 