Monthly Archives: August 2024

A brown booby takes a training flight over Blacktip Island in preparation for competing in the Paris Olympics marathon next week. (photo courtesy of Charles J. Sharp)

The Tiperon Islands Olympic Committee this week announced the small island nation’s Paris Olympic team will be comprised of booby birds from Blacktip Island’s world-renowned booby bird preserve due to lack of qualifying human athletes.

“We’re a small country. We don’t have a large pool of athletes to draw from,” TIOC president Vinny Abalone said. “And the athletes we do have, well, they’re none of them Olympic caliber. The Tiperons have an automatic entry, though, so we have the right to have athletes represent us.

“At first we were going to send a couple of boobies as iconic symbols of the country,” Abalone said. “Then we realized how athletic they are. Flying all day, they’re naturals for the marathon. And there’s nothing in the rules specifically saying the racers have to be on the ground. Hell, when folks run, they’re by definition not in contact with the ground most of the time.”

Some Committee members noted the boobies’ prowess in other events as well.

“They’re also quite good at short sprints,” Molly Miller said. “Our boobies are clocking world record times in the 800m. They’re good at the high jump and long jump, too. And, oddly enough, fencing.

“We’ve had our boobies in training for the last six months to get them fit and to see who the best competitors are,” Miller said. “We used frigate birds to chase them for their sprint training. Realistically, we have a good shot at getting at least a bronze medal or two. That would really be a feather in the Tiperons’ cap.”

Other members were focused on more practical matters.

“Our main concern is getting them past the French agriculture inspectors,” Christina Goby said. “Those douaniers can be real sticklers for rules and regulation. Once we pass that hurdle, the big worry’ll be cats—there’s a ton of stray cats in Paris. I mean, they filmed ‘The Aristocats’ there. And, of course, there’s always the danger of some crazy Frenchman trying to eat them.”

The plan is not without its detractors.

“This is animal cruelty, plain and simple,” Blacktip People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Harry Pickett said. “They’re capturing wild birds, forcing them to perform unnatural acts, then shipping them halfway around the world to compete in a public spectacle. This is wrong on so many levels.

“Not to mention it’ll make us a laughingstock worldwide,” Pickett said. “An Olympic medal weighs more than the birds themselves. And what happens when they poop on the track? If they’re doing a marathon, I guarantee it’ll happen.”

TIOC leaders brushed those concerns aside.

“We pulled in local ornithologists from day one to make sure the boobies weren’t being mistreated,” Abalone said. “If a bird doesn’t want to fly, we don’t make it. And they won’t make any more mess than the bejillion Parisian pigeons already do. This is the perfect representation for the Tiperons—nothing says ‘Tiperons’ quite like a Blacktip Island booby!”