Monthly Archives: July 2024
Blacktip Island Weather
Wahoo Reef weather station
Sunday, July 28, 2024
Temperature: 93
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Prob’ly not
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Blacktip Island Will Fine Residents For Non-British Spellings
A new ordinance on Blacktip Island will fine residents for using non-British spellings. (photo illustration by Wendy Beaufort/BTT staff)
Blacktip Island officials announced Thursday a new ordinance allowing them to fine residents who use non-British spellings in an effort to stop what they say is the gradual Americanization of English on the small Caribbean island.
“It’s spelling chaos right now,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “There has to be some consistency here. It’s confusing—and annoying—seeing all these ‘centre/center,’ ‘colour/color’ gaffes. We’re getting back to Blacktip’s British roots and enforcing British spelling to stop this madness once and for all.
“We’ve repeatedly asked folks to voluntarily standardize their spelling, but they’ve ignored us,” Cobia said. “Since tact didn’t work, now we’re hitting folks in their pocket books to get their attention. Ten dollars every time you leave out a British ‘u’ will sort things out right quick.”
The steering group overseeing the legislation says further fines are being discussed.
“We’re looking at penalties for date formatting as well,” Cracked Spines bookstore owner Ann Bouquin said. “It needs to be consistently day-month-year, not month-day-year. That’s even more problematic than the spelling snafus. Is the deadline August 12 or December 8? Is your birthdate in January or September? Blacktip’s been the spelling and grammar wild west for too long. But now there’s a new orthographic sheriff in town now.”
Many on the island were angered by the new law.
“I’ll spell words however I want,” Gage Hoase said. “Whether I write ‘favor’ with, or without, a ‘u’, people still know what I mean. Good luck getting $10 from me. This is xenophobia, plain and simple. And what’s next, fines for misspelled words? Or for pronouncing words the American way? Schedule, schedule, schedule!”
Island officials admitted the law will be difficult to enforce.
“You think I got time to search through everything that gets written on this island, looking for American and Australian spellings?” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “Or even writing citations every time someone brings one to me? Got more important things to do. Jack wants spelling policed, let him do it himself.”
Cobia remained defiant.
“This madness has to stop, and it stops with me,” he said.
Money from the fines, minus expenses, will go to the Blacktip Island Public Library, earmarked for the purchase of books to go with the one the library currently possesses.
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Blacktip Island Weather
Wahoo Reef weather station
Sunday, July 21, 2024
Temperature: 94
Humidity: 70%
Precipitation: Soon come
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Roman Naval Warfare To Be Staged On Booby Pond
The Blacktip Island Historical Society will stage an ancient Roman-style naumachia in the island’s central booby pond Saturday to raise money for the island’s museum. (illustration courtesy of Rusty Goby, BIHS)
The Blacktip Island Historical Society will stage a Roman-style naval battle this weekend, featuring replicas of ancient Roman vessels, in an effort to interest island residents in studying history and to raise funds for the small Caribbean island’s museum.
“People these days are so blasé about the past, we thought a proper, large-scale, historical spectacle would be just the thing to pique their interest,” BIHS president Fannie Bottoms said. “And what’s larger scale than a proper naumachia, with two fleets fighting it out for the entire island to see?
“We originally planned on staging it in the lagoon, but the booby pond offered better viewing options,” Bottoms said. “It also adds an added tension—if your boat sinks in the lagoon, no big deal; in the booby pond, there’s no telling what diseases you’ll catch, or if you’ll even survive.”
Organizers say the boats and costumes will be as accurate as possible.
“We’re encouraging participants to build period-correct facsimiles of early Roman biremes, triremes and quadriremes,” BIHS armorer Rusty Goby said. “We aim to give a sense of what it was like to attend a Roman spectacle in Caesar’s day. Nero absolutely loved a garish naumachia. Only in our version, no one will get killed. Intentionally.”
Some island residents were dubious about the event’s historical accuracy.
“You think there’s anyone on this little rock who’ll take the time to build an actual bireme?” chef Corrie Anders said. “And then destroy it? This is Blacktip. It’ll turn out to be Dermott Bottoms and James Conlee standing in rowboats, throwing beer bottles at each other. History-wise, it’ll be rubbish. But it should be a hoot to watch.”
Island leaders have embraced the event.
“Spectacles like these are what the Roman aristocracy staged to let anger citizenry blow off steam, keep ‘em from rioting,” de facto mayor Jack Cobia said. “The way folks around here’ve been complaining lately, something like this’s exactly what we need to keep ‘em from revolting. A lot of ‘em are revolting, but they shouldn’t stage a revolt, you understand.”
Other residents are looking forward to the battle.
“Life here can get a little dull, so it’ll be fun to have something new and different to do,” Sally Port said. “And the thought of someone’s boat sinking in the middle of the booby pond, well, how could you ever look away? And we’ll be learning about history at the same time. I’m bringing a cooler of beer, a toga and may join the battle myself.”
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Blacktip Island Weather
Wahoo Reef weather station
Sunday, July 14, 2024
Temperature: 92
Humidity: 71%
Precipitation: Hahahaa
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Bogus Labyrinth Angers Blacktip Island Residents
A walkable labyrinth, modeled after the famous labyrinth at the Chartres Cathedral in France, has Blacktip Island residents angry due to its irritating pattern and unexpected dead end far from the center. (photo courtesy of Egorova Svetlana)
Blacktip Island residents were angered this week while walking a four-axis labyrinth, near the small Caribbean island’s Heritage House, with an emotionally-disturbing pattern and an unexpected dead end that aggravates users instead of calming them.
“It looks like a regular labyrinth, like the one in Chartres, but with a whacky path” Alison Diesel said. “Then, once you start walking it, instead of making you chill, it starts to get irritating. By the time you get to the dead end, which is nowhere near the center, you’re good and pissed off.
“These things are supposed to bring people inner peace,” Diesel said. “This one does the total opposite. And there’s no warning about that. It’s obvious it was done on purpose. That’s a dirty, rotten trick.”
The labyrinth’s creator defended the design.
“It’s a lesson for people to not expect things to work out the way they want,” the former-reverend Jerrod Ephesians said. “Folks think life is all about order and happiness, when it’s really semi-controlled chaos. The message here is to get used to disappointment. There’s no magic pill, or magic path, that’ll somehow make you happy.
“Yes, the pattern is intentionally annoying to walk,” Ephesians said. “That’s the point. People comes here all smug and self-satisfied, and they get a sharp wake-up call. Frustrating? Short-term, sure. But long-term it’s beneficial. And people are still coming by to walk it, even knowing what’ll happen. Some people aren’t content unless they’re discontent. It’s part of the human condition.”
Island officials discussed removing the labyrinth as a public safety hazard.
“Jerrod’s right—some people can’t resist that damn thing,” de facto island mayor Jack Cobia said. “Problem is, it’s got everybody here hacked off, and taking it out on folks around them. There’s been fights because of it, and one threatened divorce. We put a big tarp over it, but folks keep pulling it off and walking the thingy anyway, like rubbing salt in their wounds.
“We’re looking at the feasibility of tearing the damn thing up,” Cobia said. “But it’s painted on concrete, so that’ll be pricey to rip out. Our other option’s to paint over it and somehow keep Jerrod from redoing it. It’s not doing the island, or anyone here, any good. He ought to be ashamed of himself, having been a preacher and all.”
Some island residents opposed the labyrinth’s destruction.
“It’s a hoot, watching people melt down doing something they know is going to aggravate them,” Chrissy Graysby said. “We bring chairs and sun umbrellas and make a day of it. The kiddos especially like razzing walkers when they hit that dead end and have a meltdown. It’s great family fun.”
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The Blacktip Times 