A Blacktip Island resident’s unsanctioned blood drive angered donors this week. (photo courtesy of Vegasjon)
A rogue phlebotomist’s non-sanctioned blood drive at the Blacktip Island Heritage House Wednesday outraged donors, who thought they were donating to the Red Cross, and landed the perpetrator in jail.
“Linford Blenny just set up a blood collection event without approval from anybody,” island nurse Marissa Graysby said. “He took over the Heritage House’s main room, with folding cots, snacks, juice, the whole shebang. Community-minded folks lined up to donate, and it was mid-morning before someone noticed something seemed off.
“The red cross on the banners was the first tip off,” Graysby said. “The cross piece was twice as long as the upright. Then Kay Valve noticed the post-donation crackers were loose saltines in a bowl instead of the individual mini-bags of Cheez-Its. It all unraveled from there.”
Island authorities were called to the scene immediately.
“When I got there, four people were sitting on Lin to keep him from getting away,” Island Police Constable Rafe Marquette said. “The rest of the donors were yelling and trying to get a whack at him. I had to quell the riot before I could sort out what was actually happening.
“Turns out Lin wasn’t sanctioned by the Red Cross or Health Service or anyone,” Marquette said. “He was just independently collecting blood. People were hollering they wanted their blood back, but Lin had already taken some away to . . . somewhere. We still can’t account for all the blood donors or blood donated. I put him in the jail for his own safety while I look up what laws, exactly, he violated.”
Residents questioned the motive for the collections.
“That Linford, he’s a straight up vampire,” Archie Pelago said. “Drainin’ folks’ blood and storin’ it in a ice chest for later. You should’ve seen the way he thrashed when I came at him with garlic salt and a wooden stake. The hit dog hollers, y’know.”
Others weren’t convinced.
“Bunch of nonsense, all this talk of vampires,” Ginger Bass said. “Ol’ Linford wanted that blood for sacrificing to random gods up on the bluff. Only thing that makes sense. I will say, he was good with those needles, though, and didn’t hurt anyone. Ought to work for the Red Cross, if he ever gets out of jail.”
Blenny refuted all supposed motives.
“These folks and their crazy ideas,” he said. “I was drawing blood to check for lizard-people DNA, plain and simple. Statistically, the iguana-to-people ratio on Blacktip’s way too high, so I set out to check. Most of these Blacktippers had their COVID vaccine, too. Coincidence? I think not. ‘Course, if I said that up front, nobody’d have given their blood for testing.
“More and more folks here have a squinty, reptilian look to their eyes, too. That’s not a coincidence, neither,” Blenny said. “Only way to know’s to test their blood. Gonna send the results to the appropriate authorities, soon as I get out of this jail. I guarantee the folks coing at me with stakes’re lizard people.”
Marquette scoffed at that idea.
“All indications are the only place Lin’ll go post-jail is the psych ward,” he said. “Probably for a long stay.”
The Blacktip Times 