A group of Blacktip Island residents has banded together to create an extreme sport dedicated to hearing as little Christmas music—both live and recorded—as possible this holiday season. (photo courtesy of Shiraz Chakera)
A group of Christmas-music opponents on Blacktip Island this week announced the creation of what they term the new extreme sport of avoiding all forms of holiday music for as long as possible in order to preserve their mental health.
“It’s not a war on Christmas, just Christmas songs,” Jessie Catahoula said. “It’s about self preservation, really. All Christmas music, all the time, drives people bug nutty. The goal is to not hear any sort of holiday music from now through December 26. It’s a sport because it’ll require a lot of running, vaulting and diving out of windows. It’s extreme because we’ll be doing it non-stop for the next seven weeks.
“It’s not possible to completely avoid Christmas music, but as competitors, we’ll dodge it as much as we possibly can,” Catahoula said. “We know the challenge’ll get progressively more difficult the closer we get to Christmas. Headphones and ear plugs will be de rigueur, as will pressing your hands to your ears and yelling, ‘la la la la.”’
Participants say there will be no physical trophy for the winner.
“It’s all about bragging rights, end of the day,” Cal Batten said. “And staying sane. Honestly, it’ll be damn-near impossible to not hear Christmas music, but it’ll minimize the exposure so no one’ll go to jail for assault. That happened to Dermott Bottoms last year the 18th time he heard that damn Mariah Carey song. He tore king hell out of the Sand Spit bar and sent three people to the medical clinic.
“People want to listen to that ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ dreck non-stop, that’s their choice,” Batten said. “But we have the right to not be tortured by it, and avoiding it by any means possible is our choice. If that means me doing a constant parkour routine for the next two months, it’s totally worth it.”
Others stressed the activity’s positive secondary benefits.
“You won’t see me in a bar ‘til New Years, so that’ll kill my booze intake,” Alison Diesel said. “I’m also getting food delivered so I don’t have to go into Peachy’s store. That means my calorie load’ll drop way off, so I’ll lose weight. If a steady stream of holiday music fills my life with lemons, I’m damn sure making lemonade out of it.”
A group of Christmas music afficionados has launched a program to combat the new sport.
“We put big-ass speakers on top of the church steeple to spread Christmas joy as far and wide as possible,” Blacktip Non-Denominational Church pastor Rev. Pierre Grunt said. “We’ll blast out Christmas music all day and night, kind of like a mosque’s call to prayer. We’re putting underwater speakers on the reef, too, so we can reach scuba divers.
“People have to understand this is the happiest time of the year,” Grunt said. “Folks can’t escape it. They can run and hide all they want, but they’ll enjoy this music and be happy, even if we have to cram it down their throats.”
The Blacktip Times 