Monthly Archives: September 2023

An illustration of a man wearing a pair of Blacktip Island pilot Reg Gurnard’s Kevlar wings, which he will use to teach local residents to fly. (illustration courtesy of Reg Gurnard)

A Blacktip Island-based commercial pilot this week announced his plans to teach would-be flyers how to fly using only their arms and legs, in an effort to realize one of mankind’s oldest dreams.

“Since Ancient Greece, people have longed to simply flap their arms and fly, like in the Icarus story,” Tiperon Airways pilot Reg Gurnard said. “Now, with modern technology, we’ll be teaching students to do precisely that, but without the messy, melty beeswax. I’m calling it the Gurnard Flying Club.

“We’ll start them with ground school—a rigorous physical training regimen to strengthen their arm muscles,” Gurnard said. “Then we’ll kit them out with high-tech Kevlar strap-on wings and leggings. From there, they’ll start with gliding, then advance to flapping-and-flying.”

Several island residents have already joined the club.

“I’ve literally dreamed of doing something like this, so you bet I’m jumping at the chance,” Lee Helm said. “Plus, by signing up early, Reg gave me an early-enrollment discount. I’m already doing push-ups and curls to pump up my arms.

“This will be flying at its purest,” Helm said. “This isn’t like those silly wing suits people use to glide down mountainsides. This will be actual flying, with take offs and landings and flapping. People and birds both evolved from dinosaurs, so this is really a natural extension of that.”

Some locals opposed the idea.

“If someone actually tries to fly with Reg’s wings, say, off the bluff, they’ll be hurt. Badly,” island clinic nurse Marissa Graysby said. “And there’s just me to patch them up. Or what’s left of them. If Reg is determined to do this, I really wish he’d do it somewhere else. Like the other side of the world.”

Others discredited the notion on principle.

“There’s no type of artificial wings that would allow a human to simply flap their arms and fly,” Tiperon University-Blacktip chancellor Donna Requin said. “The laws of physics and physiology won’t allow it. Never have and never will. This is just Reg’s way to get attention. And grift money from gullible dreamers.

“That being said, I’ll make sure I have a front-row seat to all the training sessions,” Requin said. “I’ll bring drinks and popcorn and a folding chair so I can watch the idiots run around flapping their arms and tripping over the kites strapped to their legs.”

Gurnard noted the training sessions will take place each morning at the small Caribbean island’s airstrip. Students are encouraged to wear lightweight clothing and sunscreen. All participants will also be cautioned not to fly overly close to the sun.