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The Last Dolphins of 2021, Headed for the New Pier . . . er . . . Year

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday dec 26

Sunday, December 26, 2021

Temperature: 86

Humidity 68%

Precipitation – Not a chance

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Nativity Battle Over Baby Jesus Erupts Between Blacktip Island Churches

nativity battle

Baby Jesus, currently in the Nativity display at Blacktip Island’s Interdenominational Baptist Church, is at the heart of multiple fights between the small island’s religious factions. (photo courtesy of Jerrod Ephesians)

Ownership of a Baby Jesus figurine in Blacktip Island Nativity displays this week exploded into multiple physical altercations between members of the small Caribbean island’s two Christian churches, church spokespeople said.

“It started with the Protestants stealing Baby Jesus from our outdoor Nativity scene and putting Him in theirs,” Our Lady of Blacktip’s Father Audley Crossblesser said. “Somebody swiped Him one night, bold as brass, and the next morning He was in their Nativity. We took Him right back, and the two congregations’ve been snatching Him back and forth like clockwork ever since. Last night we thought Dermott Bottoms was guarding our Nativity, but it turns out he was just passed out in the bushes and we lost Jesus again.

“There were fisticuffs at both Nativity scenes this morning,” Crossblesser said. “Those Baptists’re sneaky—they dress up like our parishioners, and even tried to buy some of us off. We walloped every one of ‘em we could find, though, and excommunicated all the traitors in our midst. Now we just need to get Jesus back. We got volunteers with lionfish spears planning a raid, but I can’t say more than that.”

Protestant church members disputed the claim.

“That figurine’s part of our Nativity. Always has been,” Blacktip Interdenominational Baptist Church’s Reverend Pierre Grunt said. “When we were unwrapping the figures this year, little Jesus was missing. Then, lo and behold, it turns up in Our Lady’s Nativity. Damn right we took it back. And smote the thieves in the process.

“This morning we wrapped in a bare, 220-volt wire around Baby Jesus to zap any would-be manger robbers,” Grunt said. “Lee Helm tried to snatch it around sunrise, and the current knocked him six feet across the parking lot. Serves him right, the filthy little Jesuit. They’ll need rubber gloves and gum-soled boots to steal Jesus this time. If they get past our congregants with broom handles.”

The island’s Ecumenical Council urged peace from both sides.

“It shouldn’t need to be said, but none of this is in the spirit of the season,” the former Reverend Jerrod Ephesians, council president, said. “Big picture, it’s a time for hope and for rebirth archetypes—Mary and Jesus, Isis and Horus, that kind of thing—not religious gang fights. We’re urging both sides to share Jesus until a replacement can be found. An empty manger’s a bad visual. Theologically, the message there’s pretty bleak.”

Others in the community want to eliminate the Nativities altogether.

“Those little statues’re graven idols, dude. That’s a big no-no,” Alison Diesel said. “And coveting a graven idol of Jesus? That’s fourth- or fifth-level of Hell stuff. Plus, Baby Jesus electrocuting people’s over the top even for this island. Fun as hell to watch, but over the top.

“People need to skip the bogus dioramas, chill and enjoy the season,” Diesel said. “Do a double shot of eggnog and watch the holiday movie of your choice. Or not. Just don’t be an a-hole or electrocute anyone.”

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Happy Holidays From The Dolphins!

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday dec 19

Sunday, December 19, 2021

Temperature: 84

Humidity 66%

Precipitation – Not today, Satan

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Tartan-Patterned Clams Discovered On Blacktip Island

clam maclaren

Detail from one of the clam shells discovered this week near Spider Bight on Blacktip Island’s east coast. (photo courtesy of Catalina Luxfer)

A team of researchers working on Blacktip Island’s east coast Wednesday discovered what they say is a new species of clams, displaying bright plaid coloration, supporting long-held claims the island’s early settlers came from Scotland, research team members said.

“We were down around Spider Bight, looking for remnants of the island’s first settlement, when Rusty Goby noticed a funky-colored clam shell on the beach,” Tiperon University-Blacktip archeology professor Catalina Luxfer said. “We canvassed the area and found more shells with the same coloration. Then we dug up a handful of live clams, all with a faded blue-and-green tartan pattern. It was stunning.

“We scanned online archives to see if the pattern matched any known plaid, and turns out it’s the Clan MacLaren’s ancient tartan,” Luxfer said. “We figured the clams stowed away on the undersides of that first ship, or the first settlers brought them along as a touch of the old country to make them feel at home. They weren’t noticed before because no one really goes over there much. We’re calling them ‘Clam MacLarens’”

Team members say the resemblance goes beyond shell coloration.

“The first one we dug up gave off a squeak that sounded just like a bagpipe,” Fannie Bottoms said. “We lined a bunch of them up, and when we whacked them with a stick in the right order, you could play ‘Scotland the Brave,’ plain as day. And when you steam them, they taste of haggis, with a good dose of brine. They pair brilliantly with a bold, peaty Islay malt.”

Others noted violence in the clams’ provenance.

“Amongst all the intact MacLaren clam shells, we also found a quantity of yellow-and-black plaid fragments, eroded over time,” Edwin Chub said. “We scanned images of those into the computer, and it turned out to be the Clan Campbell tartan. Near as we can tell, some Clam Campbells came over as well, and the Clam MacLarens took a bit of revenge on their Old World rivals here in the Caribbean. They literally crushed all the yellow-and-black buggers.”

Local entrepreneurs were quick to embrace the discovery.

“We’ve slated a two-day Blacktip Island Highland Games up on the bluff, with traditional piping, drumming and dancing exhibitions, caber tossing and a clam-eating contest,” resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “It’ll be fun for the whole family, and’ll let folks to celebrate their Scottish heritage, whether they’re Scottish or not. Kind of like being Irish on St. Patrick’s Day, but with different whisky.”

Other residents were skeptical.

“The whole Scottish roots thing is a bit far-fetched, but if it gives people something to do, and they stay away from our property, I suppose it’s harmless,” Helen Maples said. “It’s Blacktip, after all, so any excuse for group drinking will be wildly popular. Though we’re steering well clear of any events where people are tossing things, large or small.”

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It’s Wednesday. Exhale.

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Blacktip Island Weather

sunday dec 12

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Temperature: 86

Humidity 67%

Precipitation – On the way

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Expedition Will Map Blacktip Island’s Nether Regions

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

A team of technical divers will begin mapping the unknown topography underneath Blacktip Island this week. (photo courtesy of Harry Bottoms)


A team of scuba-diving researchers this week will begin the first large-scale mapping project of Blacktip Island’s bottom, team organizers said.

“Mapping Blacktip’s underside’s been a goal for a while, but there were always more pressing things to look at,” Blacktip’s Bottom team leader Sally Port said. “But now, with all the new construction on the east side of the island adding so much weight over there, we need to make sure the island’s still balanced and not in danger of tipping over.

“We’ll also be checking on the chains holding the island in place, and replacing them if necessary,” Port said. “With us spending so much time down there, it was a no-brainer to incorporate our long-planned mapping project. It’s the ultimate overhead environment, no ‘buts’ about it, and will be funded by the Tiperon Islands’ National Overhead Aquatics Agency.”

Team members noted the challenges the project will face.

“These are long, deep dives,” Harry Bottoms said. “The lower edge is about 145 feet. Thanks to NOAA’s support, we’ll be using rebreathers and underwater scooters to cover as much topography as possible. It’s a big, fat mystery what’s down there, but our hypothesis is there’s a central mountain range that acts as a keel to keep the island upright. But we need to methodically map things and not give it the bum’s rush.

“There’s multiple theories about some of the island’s cracks leading directly to the underside, so we’ll have teams above ground sniffing those out,” Bottoms said. “We’re also excited about possibly finding new species clinging to the island’s nether regions.”

Some local residents are concerned about the potential consequences of the expedition.

“Down underneath the island, that’s where the mersquatch lives,” handyman Antonio Fletcher said. “Divers butt in dwn there, you-know-what’ll hit the fan. We won’t be able to sleep at night, wondering when he’ll come after us. And this talk of replacing chains, well, what happens if something goes wrong? We’d drift off, and prevailing winds’d drift us right onto Tiperon. Or Honduras.”

Dive charter operators, however were eager to see the team’s findings.

“With luck, they’ll be able to chart out some new dive sites for us to take our guests,” Eagle Ray Cove resort owner Rich Skerritt said. “Folks’re always clamoring for something different to look at. We got a mini submarine on order, too, so we can take small groups down for longer looks.


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It’s Wednesday! Wait . . . what?

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